Maybe you’re alone this Valentine’s day. Maybe you wish you were. Whatever. You know?
Whatever your circumstances, you’re a self-absorbed law student, so there’s a good chance you don’t feel maximally loved and appreciated. Despair not, comrades. Ultra Vires understands your deep-seated loneliness, and wants to help.
We base our method of assistance upon simple premise: the key to happiness lies in pictures of cute baby animals. Eleven-year-old girls have known this for centuries, and we trust in their traditional wisdom.
Please find attached a small collection of cute baby animal pictures. Each image has been hand-picked for its excruciating adorableness. Clip out your favourite and paste it to the edge of your laptop. When times get tough, just take a quick glance at your beloved pictorial pet, and remember why life is worth living.
Being aware that the University of Toronto Faculty of Law is a paragon of diversity, we have provided a variety of animal types to complement different personality types and tastes.
A kitten:
You’re the strong-and-silent type whose only need is to be needed. You likely have a chiseled jawline, or a surprising degree of muscle tone for someone of your gender. No doubt you discovered years ago that vulnerability is the key to unconditional love. Look at this thing. If you left it alone for more than four hours, it would probably die. Perfecto. You will laugh as it rolls about helplessly in your lap, secure in the knowledge that it can never leave you.
A puppy:
All of your cover letters include the term “people-person”. You are proud of your high tolerance for alcohol and your ability to distinguish leather from pleather at a five-foot range. You’ll spend your future doing document review on the 58th floor of some anonymous high rise, but you will never stop proclaiming your strong desire to get away from it all, and get back to nature. This little guy is the perfect excuse to take that 10 PM work break, and go for a quick stroll down a tree-lined city street.
A pony:
What’s a nice kid like you doing in a place like this? When you open your mouth in class, you reveal a certain softness, both of brain and of heart. You really should have taken that year off between undergrad and law school, but you’ll discover that for yourself as a fifth-year associate. Your biggest concern at the moment is the increasing scarcity of Bubble Tape. This pony represents everything you loved best about childhood. Go ahead, give it a name. You already have, haven’t you.
A duckling:
You live in constant fear of being mistaken for average. In public, you strive to make unconventional choices and comments, but your efforts come off as contrived. On the plus side, you are a candidate for laser hair removal. On the minus side, you are not adequately ashamed of the fact that you own all ten seasons of Friends on DVD. You know who would always find you an enigma? This duck right here. Just imagine the curious stares you would get if you strolled through High Park with this little puffball on a leash. Not to mention phone numbers.
A baby goldfish:
Okay, I cheated for this one. Technically speaking, a “baby goldfish” would be an egg. And you are the kind of person who would call me out for making such an error, and then kick me out of your study group as punishment. You’re 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration. You exercise good judgment and adore bubbling-in Scantron sheets, but no amount of right answers will make your dad remember to call you on your birthday. In case you follow in his lax parenting footsteps, default to this sweet little goldfish – it’ll flourish regardless.
