Dear Dr. V,
I am one of the most conservative men in law school, and yet am always attracted to left-wing women. In my time, I’ve dated hippies, fooled around with environmentalists, and slept with feminists. What gives?
Sincerely,
Confused Conservative
Dear Confused,
It happens buddy, and to the best of us. As for hippies, I myself have been intoxicated by that musty patchouli and hypnotized by the swinging dreadlocks. The amazing thing is how quickly it happens, One minute I’m giving away change out of sympathy for the hippie’s dog, the next thing I know I’m stoned and engaged in an “epic” glow stick war at a Phish show. If it wasn’t for the stench of that untamed under-carriage bringing me back from zombieland, I may still be there.
The environmentalists are totally different. Loving all of the earth’s creatures is a sweet gesture, sweet enough to penetrate even the most hardened of conservative hearts. My guess is that’s exactly what happened to you, full penetration. It’s amazing how those environmentalists one second are protesting petroleum extraction, and the next second cramming a petroleum-based butt plug in your Arthur Anderson. They’re wild in the sack! That’s not a bad thing. Just remember to bring water-based lube to better fit in with their ideals next time.
As for feminists, welcome to the 21st century. All women are feminists, at least until they have kids and realize how much more they enjoy spending time with their families instead of living some asshole boss’s dream. Better put, all young women are feminists, or at least they should be. So embrace it. Women make men better, right? Aren’t you a conservative with a love of competition in the market place? Shouldn’t that competition include the bedroom? If both of you are competing to be the better lover, you both win. It certainly won’t be a race to the bottom, at least not in the standard meaning of that phrase…
Best,
Dr. V
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Dear Dr. V,
What advice do you have for a recently single law student? I’ve tried tanning, lifting weights and drinking more beer, but to no avail.
Sincerely,
Not Josh Mandryk.
Dear Not Josh,
You are in great shape. I mean that both literally and figuratively. You are Johnny Bravo handsome. You are the vegan friendly option that ladies should be dying to get with. I’d be amazed if you are genuinely facing any issue with attention from would be suitors. However, from time to time after recently becoming single, people feel that their “game” is gone. This leads to a nuanced lack of confidence, a certain pensiveness which runs against your cause. Self-confidence, without being arrogant is crucial to your success. You need to be assertive, but in a welcome way. Here are a couple tips to show the world your new found confidence.
Get a small tattoo on your peck, then post a picture of it on facebook. Just make sure the photo is of your entire shirtless upper body and the tattoo can’t be made out. I call this the Lewarne method of exuding confidence. I should mention this only works if you are jacked like Chris, which I think you are. In fact I’d say go through CL’s facebook profile, find every shirtless photo and recreate them for your own profile. Not only does this scream confidence, but shows off your sense of humor which will also get you in at least two skits going forward at Law Follies.
Dancing has been a confidence indicator since time immemorial. One look at a person’s dance floor persona can determine if they are gonna be Billy Bob Thornton in Monster between the sheets. I have full faith, Not Josh, that you are already dancing like nobody is watching, but you can take this to the next level by working in the field. What I’m saying is you should start stripping. It will show you are comfortable with your sexuality as you will most certainly be dancing for gay dudes, with a few hot ladies (I’m talking to you Mrs. Wadsworth). You will learn some new moves as well. I believe the biggest benefit will be in your attire. If you take late enough classes next semester you may have to go straight to work from school. This means wearing your “work clothes” to school. Nothing screams confidence like a bow tie and cuff links but no shirt.
The upshot Not Josh is you need to take your shirt off more often. It works for Chris, it can work for you. Hell, Robertson has been taking his shirt off regularly in a pretty effective display of confidence for the last three years. If that guy is doing well, so can you.
Good luck,
Dr. V
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Dear Dr. Valencia,
If the recruiting lawyer snuck out and left money on the dresser the next morning, is that taxable as a signing bonus?
Ashley Extra-Mile
Dear Ashley,
Unless you were left a really significant amount of money, don’t deposit it and don’t mention it. If it is discovered you may find yourself in a bad place. Obviously if you don’t work for that firm it most certainly couldn’t be considered a signing bonus, as you never signed. The only way trouble will come about is if it is assessed as income from a business by the Minister in an audit. If there is no paper trail you should be fine.
There is nothing more damaging to your reputation than having a public official call you a whore on the record. In No. 275 v. MNR (1955) the court described the taxpayer who was claiming that her income from prostitution was non-taxable, as “sordid and contemptible”. Obviously I find your actions savvy and commendable, and I’d hate for you to face the same verbal beat-down as Ms. 275, especially since you may no longer have the luxury of a number assigned to cover your name.
Spend that money ASAP. I would recommend doing something completely frivolous with it. Go buy yourself a ridiculous hat and go to the horse track to blow that cash on mint juleps and trifectas. Buy yourself a new handbag or an eight-ball of blow for all I care. Just don’t deposit it.
Best,
Dr. V
