Ask Dr. Valencia

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Dr. Valencia has a PhD in Relationship Studies from the University of Rangoon. He has been given the annual Dr. Ruth prize for achievement in relationship counselling seven times in his six year career. He is recently divorced.

Dear Dr. V,

This guy in my torts class always asks amazing hypothetical questions that have only abstract connection to what we’re learning. He’s so smart and cool. How do I get him to notice me?

– Back row admirer 

 

Dear Back Row Admirer,

I know the type well and while it can be difficult to break into the heart of the ego-centric keener, it is not impossible. The first question you should ask yourself is whether the individual has any friends. If so, then all you need is the right attitude and you’ll pop up on his radar. You know, the type of moxie it takes to hold up a long line at the super-market to chew the cashier out for a ten cent difference in the advertised price of artichokes and the price on the receipt. Think a big Morrissey/Smiths fan, but without the (questionably) good taste in music, fashion, art, etc.. Basically an overwhelming sense of superiority without any foundation in reality. Adopt this persona and you’ll be bumping uglies in no time.

If your crush happens to be one of the former “career” in music/acting/drama types, your task is considerably easier. This grouping merely loves to hear the sound of their own voice, and if you don’t get enough in class, the moots are usually chock full of em. These former hasbeens/neverwas are coming from a place of serious vulnerability. Just think used to pack some clubs on weekend nights playing original rock music, but now aging, 10-15 lbs overweight with graying hair, completely overlooked for the younger/fitter options and struggling to get a nano-second of  that long lost applause.  All you gotta do is approach them after class and say, “I loved hearing your take on x. Do you think you could expand upon that at the Duke?” Deal sealed.

If, however, the object of your affection is a 1L, you have no time to waste in hoping he notices you. He’ll stop the hypothetical questions in January when the grades come back and resign to a place of humility, never to shine with the same brightness until retirement. You must pounce now!

Good luck and Godspeed Back Row,

Dr. V

Dear Dr. V,

How drunk should I be getting on pub nights?

-Insecure Imbiber

 

Dear Insecure,

I have two words for you: blackout drunk.  Every.Single.Time. There is no better preparation for your career in law than boosting that tolerance. Hell, I’d be willing to bet that at least 40% of your class is going to be practicing corporate law. So what do you think is more important, having an understanding of the Oakes test, or being able to polish of that 6th glass of single malt after doing a line of blow with an I-banker without upchucking all over said I-banker’s Ferragamos? Let me spell something out kiddo, that I-banker sending you business is what gets you partnership. Your understanding of the first year curriculum is almost irrelevant. Hit the sauce boss.  It’s career development.

Just make sure you take a cab home and carry condoms. I’d hate to see you in the clinic.

Best,

Dr. V.

Dear Dr. V,

I travelled from the future to find you. We need to talk. 

– Dr.V from the future

 

Dear Future Me,

Please tell me this doesn’t have any connection to the new Faculty of Law building…specifically the Leather Dungeon. (eyes closed) There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.

 

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