Firms Decide to Actually Read UV, Revoke Funding En Masse
Katherine Georgious
Falconer Hall – It was a tragic day in the Ultra Vires office today, as the beloved newspaper lost nearly all of its firm funding. “We figured it wouldn’t last forever,” said a UV editor in a statement to the law school. “Someone was bound to catch up to what we were doing.” For years, UV has been filling its pages with articles insulting “Big Firm” culture, the notion of being an ethical corporate lawyer, and even implying that Bay Street is the 4th circle of hell in Dante’s Inferno. And it was able to do this while still gaining advertising revenue from the firms that they were mocking on a routine basis.
“I guess we thought it was charming, like how The Simpsons always make fun of fox,” a writer at UV told Intra Vires. “But then we realized Fox probably just puts up with it because The Simpsons makes them like a billion dollars of revenue a day.” Intra Vires spoke with the firm representative who was the catalyst for the funding revocation. “We’re not shutting them down simply because they insult us,” the representative clarified. “We have no problem making fun of ourselves. As evidenced by our newest bathroom advertisements, we’re young and hip and can totally take a joke. But there’s a limit, you know? We’re okay with our ads being literally pissed on, but not figuratively. That’s just harsh.” Another lawyer cited the non-legal aspects of the paper as the reason for pulling the plug on advertisements. “I just don’t want our firm to be associated with UV anymore. The spelling errors, the poop jokes, the obvious meta commentary, and what the hell is that Dr. Valencia column? Does that poor ethnic man know his photo is being used for such disgusting purposes? Honestly. I can’t believe people gave Davies hell for the ‘Slavies’ ads last year and not for the mere fact that they advertised in UV to begin with.”
Student Decides to Keep Her Opinion on U.S. Election To Herself
Katherine Georgious
The internet – In an uncharacteristic move, a 3L student at the Faculty of Law has decided to keep her political opinions to herself about the upcoming u.s. presidential election. “I was going to post my thoughts on the debate, because my Facebook feed had only 34 status updates about how the debate was useless rhetoric, and I of course had to add in my two cents about how it was also poorly moderated. But then I just thought against it. And you know what? The internet was okay.”
Law Students Disappointed that Lawgwarts Doesn’t Actually Teach Magic
Bhuvana Sankaranarayanan
Students at the University of Toronto Faculty of Law have reported a dramatic lack of instruction in Transfiguration, Charms, Potions, History of Magic, Defence Against the Dark Arts, Astronomy, and Herbology. “O-week really didn’t prepare me for this at all,” reported Herm Y Nee, a 1L who was found with a broken ankle clutching a broomstick and hanging off a tree in front of Flavelle Hall. “Some of the people I’ve seen around here, however, look like they’re around 500 years old,” added fellow 1L Ron Wee Slee, “so I’ve been holding out hope that there’s a giant conspiracy not to tell us about the magical nature of this building.” Ron has since been expelled for repeatedly trying to smuggle rotting frogs and foul-smelling liquid to stew in large vats in the basement of Falconer Hall.
Dean Mayo Moran was unavailable for comment on why U of T chose to focus on Muggle Studies and does not offer other standard first year courses.
Tuition to Hit $30K for Class of 2016
Luke Gill
Having successfully raised enough money from private donors to begin the new building project, the law school is now preparing for its next major benchmark: the tuition for the Class of 2016 will hit $30,000.
“It’s about time,” remarked one notable faculty member, who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s absurd to think that it costs these kids less for a year at the country’s top law school than it costs my eleven year-old to go to Branksome Hall. And don’t even get me started on how expensive it is to insure a 16 year old with a Maserati.”
Another anonymous professor was emphatic that tuition is still not high enough in order to pay competitive salaries to professors. “I published six articles last year, six. And I still make less than my partner friends practicing at Sullivan and Cromwell. It’s nonsense!” she fumed. “If I don’t see further subsidization of my on-site research on intergalactic trade law in Tahiti, I’m going to say, ‘Fuck it, I’m going to U Penn!’”
Outside of Flavelle House a group of blank-faced students with dead eyes seemed unperturbed by the ongoing tuition increases. “I mean, it’s not all that bad,” said one student. “It’s kind of nice to have that enormous financial weight hanging around your neck all of the time. It makes career decisions easier.”
“Yes,” mumbled another student. “I want to practice corporate law.”
“I want to practice corporate law,” two more said in unison.
“We all do,” stated the first student, slowly turning up the corners of his mouth into what appeared to be a smile.
1L’s Have Friends Outside of Law School
Rebeka Lauks
“The 1L’s Suck.”
“Do they not know December exams are fail-safe?”
It is not unusual to hear these sorts of statements around the halls of the faculty of law these days. Over the past few weeks, tensions have been running high as 1L pub night attendance hit an unprecedented low. At long last, a group of upper years has released a comprehensive report examining the contributing factors to this phenomenon.
“After weeks of monitoring 1L facebook activity, we have recorded numerous incidents of law school pre-drink invitations being declined,” said one of the authors of the report. “Even more alarming,” he continued, “attendance of non-law school events is at an all time high!”
“Since time immemorial, the inverse relationship between facebook friendship requests and time spent with non-law friends has remained constant,” remarked another upper year. “In the first time in the history of the University of
Toronto, Faculty of Law, the trend has reversed.”
When asked if the music at recent pub nights, described by some as “Optimus Prime on Salvia”, is a factor in low pub night attendance, he replied that the possibility had not been ruled out.
