While a lot of people describe law school as a “life changing” experience that leads to “personal growth” and an “increase in career focus”, what they really mean is that law school has totally and immediately destroyed their personal lives. While that kind of talk is just hyperbolic fear mongering (any law student who ever claimed to have a normal “personal” life before is lying), I’m here to tell you, in the spirit of “having it all”, that you can have a relationship in law school as long as you obey one simple rule—date a 3L.
That’s right! It’s that easy! While your “upper-classmates” may seem like just a collection of absurdly never-present B types who do things like sleep in, leave their Facebook profiles public (with the correct name?!) and hang out with their outside friends at pancake houses on the Ossington strip for hours on end (and an entire kilometer from the law school!), do not be fooled. There are hundreds* of 3Ls just waiting to be the beautiful, jacked devoted Russian mail order brides companions of your memorandum induced delirium. Let me list some reasons why that are not at all based on personal experience and that are not at all sanctioned** or requested*** by any 3Ls.
*at least a couple
*DAN WOULD PREFER I DIDN’T WRITE THIS.
***LUKE GILL TOTALLY DID NOT MAKE ME WRITE THIS.
1. They’ve “been there”, but now they’re, uh, not.
So-called “normal significant others” with “normal” jobs cannot make sense of how much importance you place on every. Single. Part. of your never-ending pile of assignments, readings, extracurriculars and mandatory pub nights. They take your deranged ambition personally. They think you don’t love them as much as your work. You sometimes wonder whether this is true.
Fear not! With your 3L, everything will be different. 3Ls are also law students (technically), and they thus also suffer from possesses the same delusional workaholic tenancies passion for success as you. Your 3L will not only understand why you tore up your copy of the McGill guide in anguished rage, but they will have another copy on hand.
What’s more, your 3L does not use their copy of the McGill Guide anymore. In fact, more generally, 3L paramours are both completely understanding your stressful “lifestyle” and are in no way living it. The best of both worlds, your 3L will both sympathize with you during those late Bora nights and not get upset by your absence— it just gives them an opportunity to watch the eight episodes of The Wire they’ve been “getting way too behind on”.
2. A 3L is to law school what the cool senior was to high school.
Remember high school? I don’t (willfully), but I’m told that, back then, dating a cool senior was the thing to do. They had a car, beer, some minimal amount of facial hair and a sexy “knowingness” that you, dear freshman, definitely lacked. Dating a 3L now is exactly*like that. Bring your 3L to pub night, and your 1L friends will be amazed and bewildered to discover that you’ve met someone attractive and well-adjusted who “doesn’t even go here”. When you explain that they’re actually just in 3L and are thus never on campus, the awe will fade briefly but will re-emerge when your “cool senior” companion wows said friends by having been to the gym in the last month (see number 3) and by knowing everything there is to know about OCIS while being totally “over it.” What’s more, your 3L will be down with you, dear gawky freshman. While they have quickly grown more old and jaded with every passing year of legal education, 1L’s have uh, “stayed the same age”.
*sort of
3. They have more time to take care of themselves
3LS do not seem to do any readings, assignments or clinical work, so, in an effort to kill the time, they can often be found cooking delicious, healthy meals, showering regularly and lifting heavy objects and putting them back down. Their dedication shows: unlike (and especially compared to) you and your increasingly pallid, shell shocked and gummy worm filled 1l/2L compatriots, your 3L mate will look like a veritable sex god/goddess. With snacks. “We’re like jacked homemakers!” says one enthusiastic 3L male, while lifting an enormous dumbbell effortlessly. “We just want to lead more balanced lives!”, says a smiling 3L girl, gracefully balancing a soy latte she steamed especially for you on her head while moving from “warrior one” to “downward dog”.
4. They have more time to do pretty much anything.
Perhaps I’ve said this too many times already, but 3Ls really don’t do anything. As a result, whenever you are free, your 3L will be free too, and they will be available to do whatever you’d like (as long as it’s after noon. 3Ls are seldom awake before lunch). Whether you prefer to spend your downtime* with music, art, workouts, “workouts”, inexplicably ordering beer at Vietnamese restaurants or dazedly watching “Skyfall” in silence while mentally recounting the only three rules of civil procedure you can actually remember, your 3L will have both the time to join in and the low standards for what constitutes entertainment that you’ll need to get them on board.
*Bi-annual
5. 3Ls think you are attractive, and they find your law student “quirks” adorable and funny.
Because 3LS have been in law school for so long, they have what can only be described as Stockholm syndrome. They haven’t seen someone who is “real life hot” in a really, really long time, and they haven’t met anyone new at all since uh, last year’s 1Ls came in. As a result, your 3L will genuinely find you quite attractive “just the way you are”, even when you’re eating a burrito in Bora at 11:00 in the morning (again). Moreover, your education is also theirs— your 3L, like you, has been carefully brainwashed into finding your new “legal” sense of “humour” charming, and they will actually be interested in the endearingly disconnected things you have to say. “Hey, tell me about how funny and quirky Lord Denning is again!”, says an enthralled 3L female, trembling on the edge of her seat. “Your insipid concern about OCI gossip is completely interesting and not at all unbearably first world!” says a 3L male, completely sincerely.
6. They know what’s going on outside of law school.
Current events? Your 3L will be on it. Economic “recovery” status? Your 3L will be keeping track. Delicious local restaurants? New movies? Your 3L will have spent an hour reading reviews yesterday. Dating a 3L is like having an analytically gifted smart phone on hand that also brings you takeout.
7. Summaries and peer mentorship x50.
Your 3L will have summaries. While I can’t make any guarantees as to their quality, I can guarantee their quantity, which is definitely*all that matters when it comes to learning. Perhaps more importantly, your 3L will be like a peer mentor who can’t ignore your 3 am phone calls—a really dedicated, irritated and sleepy peer mentor who definitely doesn’t still have your sweater so can you chill the fuck out and just let them sleep? They have to get up for 6:30 pm class tomorrow!
*Definitely not
