After years of planning, the Toronto Star and their downtown liberal allies have finally toppled the embattled Rob Ford and taken his place in the Mayor’s Office.
On Monday, Hackland J. of the Ontario Superior Court decreed unambiguously that “The seat of the respondent, Robert Ford be declared Vacant, and the award winning newspaper the Toronto Star take his place as rightful Mayor of Toronto”
“This is just such a great moment for this city, and for us, the Toronto Star.” said Editor Michael Cooke. “After spending so long harassing Rob Ford at his work and home, printing untrue stories about him, and coordinating a liberal conspiracy that finally landed him in court – it feels really good to see all of that come to fruition”
“This wasn’t even our best conspiracy, really. He was reminded what, like 6 times by the integrity commissioner to pay back the money? Not exactly Machiavellian.”
Cooke expressed optimism about the Toronto Star’s tenure as Mayor.
“We’ve been telling Torontonians what’s best for them for years. It’s very exciting to have the opportunity to finally force them to do what we want.” said Cooke. “And it couldn’t come at a better time. We really needed to make this happen before our impending paywall rendered us entirely irrelevant”
Analysts and city experts predict that many of the City’s most intractable problems will be resolved quickly.
“Things should run smoothly now that the Toronto Star is in charge” said city budget officer Joe Kemp. “Most of the challenges facing Rob Ford were, as you know, a product of bitter liberals trying to undo his power. Obviously, these will no longer be a problem.”
Asked what initiatives citizens can expect in the first few months, Cooke said that they hoped to quickly expand the transit system, raise property taxes, and ban plastic.
Asked if they had any provincial ambitions to extend their power beyond the city of Toronto, The Star responded that they didn’t understand the question.
