Scene 1: Financial Aid Office
[Student approaches Intern at Financial Aid Office front desk.]
S: Excuse me, sir. Are you in charge of financial aid?
I: I’m the new intern. How can I assist you?
S: I have a problem. I got a smaller bursary than last year, and now I just don’t know if I can handle such a big, hard line of credit with such a tiny little bursary.
I: I understand – not everyone can handle such a massive debt load.
S: Is there anything you can do?
I: Well, maybe I can set you up with our back-end debt relief program.
S: What’s that?
I: It’s for students with small bursaries who have taken big loads on the front-end, and just can’t take anymore. With our program you’ll find it much easier to deal with a giant load from the back-end.
S: Mmmm, sounds wonderful. Can you show me how it works… in the back end?
[CENSORED]
Scene 2: Doggy Day in Rowell Room:
[Two students in Rowell room surrounded by dogs]
S1: I’m feeling really stressed.
S2: Well, it is… Doggy Day.
S1: You mean if I just stroke this little guy I’ll feel better?
[Student 1 begins stroking.]
S2: Ooooo, I like watching you stroke it.
S1: It feels so soft and so good.
S2: Can I try now?
S1: Yeaaah. Yeah, just like that.
S2: What if I stroke yours and you stroke mine?
[CENSORED]
Scene 3: Bora’s Head:
[Two students standing near bust outside library]
S1: Nice bust.
S2: Yeah, it curves in all the right places.
S1: Can I… touch it?
S2: Sure, just be gentle.
[Student 1 gentle brushes hand across bust.]
S1: It’s so firm, and with such prominent features.
S2: It’s magnificent, but I can show you a better … [winks] … head.
[CENSORED]
Scene 4: UV Office in the basement of Falconer:
[UV Editor with another law student]
UV: See the new table?
S: Uh, yeah, I see the table.
UV: Pretty rad, huh? It’s custom-made.
S: Wow. Cool.
UV: So, like, did you read my diversions article in the last issue?
S: Sure did. [Checks phone, pretends there are messages there.]
UV: Yeah… we used to have a couch down here. You know… to get dowwwwn. [Winks at student.]
S: Oh, yeah? That’s crazy. You UV editors are sooo wild. [Continues to look at phone.]
UV: So, like, you and I could, like…
S: Yeah, that’s not happening.
UV: Oh.
S: That was never a thing that could possibly happen.
