Dean Mayo Moran Exposed as International Con Artist: Absconds with millions in faculty money
By Magnus Jerusalem
Students and staff were stunned earlier this week when it was revealed that Dean Mayo Moran – who was thought to be taking the semester off – is in fact an international con artist, and has fled the country.
Faculty began to be suspicious when the school’s bank accounts, containing millions of donor contributions, were emptied in a few hours. “All that money for the new building. All gone!” said a distressed Alexis Archbold. “And when we opened the safe deposit boxes, they were empty… except for a voluminous auburn wig and a single muffin”
As was soon discovered, the woman we knew as “Mayo Moran” was in fact a con artist named Handsome Jill Stevens. Born in Hepburn, Ohio in 1959, Jill got her start working for a bookie at the local tracks. But she soon graduated to more lucrative ventures – petty theft, mail fraud, and eventually – confidence scams.
“She was just always so nice” said Megan Harris, a schoolteacher in Columbus. Megan was a teacher at the elementary school where a 17 year old Jill Stevens conned her way into the Principal’s office with her trademark combination of disarming charm and baked goods. “We all thought she was so young… but every time we started to have doubts, a tray of muffins would appear! And who will question power when your mouth is full of muffin-top?”
But pretending to be Dean of a law school – for 7 years – would seem to require a much more elaborate plan. How was “Mayo” able to fool us all for so long?
“As it turns out, being Dean is just pretty easy” said Officer Bradley Cooper. “It doesn’t take a genius to go around shaking hands, smiling, and telling already arrogant students how smart they are. And what did she teach, Torts? That doesn’t sound very difficult”
“Teaching torts is not difficult” confirmed Prof. Arthur Ripstein. “Just don’t fuck with other people’s shit. How complicated could that possibly be?
Now, the school must move on, and take a hard look at the hiring and accountability practices that allowed such deception to take place.
“Frankly, we’re surprised that no one figured this out sooner” said Officer Cooper. “She told you her name was “Mayo Moran” and you morons believed her? Ha! Well let me introduce you to my friend, Mustard McGee” said the officer, bobbing his hotdog up and down as though it were alive. “Mustard McGee needs money for his hotdog school! Are you going to give him some moneeeey?” said the Officer in a stupid voice, while pressing the sides of the bun together as though they were lips, a cruel pantomime of human speech.
Faculty To Target Socialites with “Boundless” Campaign
By Katherine Georgious
In an unusual turn of events, the University of Toronto recently announced that it will be focussing its “Boundless” campaign at trying to convince the children of Wall Street partners and other multi-millionaires to enrol at the University’s Faculty of Law. “We used to put all of our effort into trying to assure middle class undergraduates that $80 000 of tuition was not a barrier to our law school,” explained a spokesperson for the Financial Aid Office. “But for some reason, students kept griping that our emphatic repetition of ‘Back End Debt Relief!’ was not an adequate response to their needs. So, we’ve basically given up on trying to please them.”
“Instead, we’re focusing on the needs of a whole subset of potential students that have been ignored for years: the trust fund kids. With our changes to the Boundless campaign, we want to send the message to the offspring of the 1% that their futures aren’t limited to sex tapes, reality TV shows, and futile attempts at a music career. We want them to know that they too can become Wall Street lawyers; that they too are boundless.”
Intra Vires reporters were sceptical at the announcement, believing that the move was made purely for the school’s financial gain. When asked about this, the University was unusually forthright. “Well, we are in a bit of a mess,” admitted a Faculty spokesperson. “It turns out, to give people financial aid, you actually need someone to put money into the financial aid pot. And apparently, continually increasing tuition fees at 8% while Bay Street jobs dry up only aggravates this problem…. But on the bright side, did I mention that we have Back End Debt Relief? Because, we totally do. And Osgoode doesn’t. Just saying.”
The Faculty denied that these changes to the Boundless campaign would only further marginalize future lower class students at the school. “Let me be clear,” a Faculty spokesperson told Intra Vires. “This campaign should in no way send the message that lower and middle income students are unwelcome at this school. I mean, even if we do get one of the Kardashians here, we still need 3 other students to run the Isaac Diversity Moot.”
