Point Michael Robert (3L) & Robbie Mac (2L)
There’s a comedian who has a great bit about a garbage man trying to pick up women on the street…FROM HIS GARBAGE TRUCK. The refuse collector’s justification for his unusual behaviour is that there must be someone out there who enjoys having sex on garbage – he just needs to find that girl. However, assuming he doesn’t run into the female Robbie Santia right away, this will be a very time consuming (and potentially humiliating) process. He needs online dating.
Online dating can streamline your search for that special man, woman or other. On the Internet, you can weed out all the guys who don’t have an “athletic” build or are below Level 33 battle-mages in Elder Scrolls [Ed: wtf is this]. What’s more, if you use a pay-to-use site, you can avoid the scrutiny of your peers, who will only be able to find your profile if they also pay, in which case they will be in no position to hate.
Online dating is also great for people who have no game in real life. I’m not talking about football game – Manti Te’o had plenty of that – I’m talking about people who, in spite of their other talents, only have one line: “let’s get drunk and see what happens.” Actually that one works pretty well (take it from Robbie Mac).
Another tip (for dudes): post a pic of yourself standing next to Alex Condon and watch the responses roll in. Ambiguous profile pictures are your ally (unless you’re one of those rare people who look great in photos but meh in real life… in which case online dating is also the way to go).
Emilie has never online dated. Nor does she plan to – she’s dating the effing intramural football quarterback. She is in no position to comment on Internet love!
Fine, some online dating can be unsafe. But, like, don’t meet dudes wearing ski masks in their profile pics in the alley behind Sneaky Dee’s at 1:00 am for your first date. And stealing shoes? Please. We’ve seen those 4-inchers Emilie’s roommate struts around in. Any thief thief would be doing her poor heels a favour.
Sure, it would be great if we all worked for Pizza Nova, delivering meat lovers to lonely suburban housewives – we’d pick up like crazy. But we’re all at law school for a reason: to test those 50/50 articling hireback/fireback odds. Until we’ve run that gauntlet, we should make use of all the resources the Internet has to offer us.
So let’s be realistic – we’re not all as talkative as Antonin Scalia. Some of us are Clarence Thomas – masters of textual intercourse. We are the Facebook chat generation – time to find our Matches.
Counterpoint Emilie Lahaie (2L)
Someone once described online dating to me as like being in a bar where everyone is single and looking. I don’t know about you, but that image is creepy, weird and stressful. I would compare online dating to the ViaDesktop portal. You spend half your summer crafting the perfect description of why you’re such a unique snowflake, only to have it picked apart by anonymous readers online. If you’re deemed worthy, you MIGHT get to meet said readers, in which case, you spend all your free time leading up to the meeting practicing witty conversation and your answers to any and all anticipated queries. I don’t know about you, but at this point, my resume has been scrutinized enough and I’m tired of being “the BEST version of myself.”
I may be dating the law school quarterback, but I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found the right lily pad to settle on. That’s because, at the end of the day, I really don’t know what I want in a partner, and chances are, you don’t either.
Take my quarterback for instance. If he’d been stuck on J-date instead of making conversation with the mysterious brunette in the library he’d never have realized that all he ever wanted was a musically inclined shiksa like me. Conversely, I’d never have discovered my love for Gefilte fish and football. The unknown is exciting! I don’t want to go into a first date already knowing what “five things they can’t live without” or “how they’d spend a typical Friday night.”
Also, who are these people you’re meeting online?? An unnamed JD/MBA who may or may not be my roommate has fears of meeting a foot fetishist online who steals all her shoes… This is not an irrational fear!
When Michael Rafferty was on trial last year, do you know who they put on the stand? Women he met on Plenty of Fish! I don’t gamble, and even if I did, those odds don’t seem that great. It’s all well and good for Robin and MPG to meet up with perfect strangers; they can protect themselves if she turns out to be more Ted Bundy than Victoria Secret Angel. I, on the other hand, am 5 foot nothing and have a hard time keeping my feet on the ground on blustery days. Plus, I don’t want to carry pepper spray on dates. It sends the wrong message and is just awkward to fit in a clutch.
Instead of perfecting their profiles in the library, MPG and Robin should be checking out the profiles of the ladies sitting 10 feet away from them. And seriously guys, why would you ever even need pick-up lines? You’re gonna be lawyers for godsakes! Nothing makes the panties drop faster than a JD on your tastefully thick, off-white business card.
Poll Time!
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