If Today is Your Birthday
Apparently, poor timing has been a habit of yours since birth. Why would you have chosen to have a birthday when the schizophrenic weather can’t pick between snow and freezing rain, everyone’s too busy with homework to celebrate, and literally nobody looks happy in the law library?
Happy birthday.
ARIES (March 21-April 20)
You will regret the timing of your birthday even more than the person whose birthday it is today. But fear not: you can get around this. Just front-load your work and do it ahead of time so you’ll have more time to celebrate in exam season, when it’s actually your birthday. With all your friends, who are in the library studying.
TAURUS (April 21-May 21)
You will be unlucky this week, except for the times when you are lucky. This prediction is totally legitimate.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21)
If you get the urge to travel (maybe to somewhere nice and warm), don’t listen to it: (1) your Scotiabank line of credit is not infinite; and (2) you can’t, because you have to be in Flavelle B taking impeccable notes about a subject you may or may not enjoy.
CANCER (June 22-July 23)
Due to the influences of the stars, the moon, and your dead great uncle, you will be very stressed out this week. It is important to stipulate that I predicted this carefully, and the stress is not because of other, more obvious factors, like the immense amount of homework that you very likely face as a member of the law school community.
LEO (July 24-August 23)
You will not be stressed this week (that’s for a different star sign) but you will be anxious…about all the work you need to do…
VIRGO (August 24-September 23)
Your life is in your hands, so don’t be afraid to take control. You can do anything you want to, unless, of course, you want a future in the legal profession. If you do, then watch what you say to other people, post online or write in UV articles. Follow instructions faithfully.
LIBRA (September 24-October 23)
You are in imminent danger. This horoscope thing is totally legitimate and you should wire all of your money to me at 1-555-BHUVANA so that I can devote all my attention to preventing your imminent death. Note that I am not nice enough to actually give you all of the details about this potential danger without a pecuniary incentive.
SCORPIO (October 24-November 22)
You will want to drink this week instead of doing homework. You should not listen to that instinct, but will do so anyway. It’s a lost cause, so you might as well have fun.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23-December 21)
You have a need for other people to like and admire you, and yet you tend to be critical of yourself. While you have some personality weaknesses you are generally able to compensate for them. You have considerable unused capacity that you have not turned to your advantage. Disciplined and self-controlled on the outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure on the inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations. You also pride yourself as an independent thinker; and do not accept others’ statements without satisfactory proof. But you have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others. At times you are extroverted, affable, and sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, and reserved. Some of your aspirations tend to be rather unrealistic.
If that seemed spot on, look up the Forer Effect. If it didn’t, then look it up anyway because it’s pretty cool.
CAPRICORN (December 22-January 20)
You will regret having read this far but will likely be too lazy – or too optimistic about the last two paragraphs of this feature – to move on to another piece of brilliant journalism offered by our excellent and trustworthy school newspaper. This also applies to all the other star signs.
AQUARIUS (January 21-February 19)
How are you so optimistic in the most cynical profession known to man? Seriously.
PISCES (February 20-March 20)
But seriously, imminent danger. And it is important to wire all of your money – I’ll know if you’re holding back.
