Most of us have one – that couple on Facebook who doesn’t understand the effect they have on others. It’s like the couple in high school or undergrad who engaged in a ridiculous amount of PDA in the hallway all the time, only this time it’s virtual, lasts forever, and Mark Zuckerberg is making money off it. In high school, I was, of course, the bitter loser who called people out on their PDA joy openly, so Emilie and Jacquie (our lovely features editors) asked me to write this piece. As someone in a law school couple, I hope to follow my own advice strictly.
Here are some simple DOs and DON’Ts for being a couple on Facebook:
DOs
- Do casually mention that you’re in a couple in the middle of a UV article. It’s not tacky at all.
- Do make sure you’re Facebook official. It saves us from being awkwardly turned down and lets us know when we can hit on you again.
- Do update your Facebook status to “Married” during your actual wedding, preferably as you make your vows. After all, you don’t want the minister to say “speak now or forever hold your peace” until you can be sure even Facebook commenters don’t object.
- Do make a public Facebook event for your date nights and only invite your significant other. How else are the paparazzi going to get a crotch shot of you?
- Do post photos every time you go out to a fancy restaurant or dinner or a show or a movie or for a walk or are sitting around just gazing into each other’s eyes. People should have to unsubscribe from your news feed if they don’t want to know the everyday details of your relationship and wonder why they’re so lonely.
- Do make a weekly status update about how much you love your significant other. Most people don’t get enough excuses to throw up.
DON’Ts
- Don’t post inside jokes on their wall every other day. We get it, you have a special bond that we don’t understand. No, but really, we have no idea what you’re talking about. And we’re all wishing we didn’t have to wonder.
- Don’t post over-the-top Valentine’s Day messages to each other. February is depressing enough; we don’t need more evidence that everyone is getting laid more often than we are.
- Don’t use your personalized pet name for them when you post on their wall. Trust me, Pooh-Bear, nobody will think it’s creative.
- Don’t make every one of your profile photos a picture with your significant other. One or two is fine. Be an individual at least occasionally.
- Don’t make your status update a picture of you two smiling at each other for no discernible reason. If two people are smiling at each other in a forest but nobody sees it, are they still happy? YES. You don’t need to prove it.
- Don’t post a cryptic status update about your relationship, like “I hate when people are fake.” Public passive aggression is even dumber than fake people and I hate it. BRB, updating my status.
- Don’t post screenshots of your private texts or chat messages with captions like “Awww, so cute!” Mark Zuckerberg will sell it to JDate to be used as a testimonial. And you will deserve it.
