As an American living in Canada, every day feels like I’m the target of a ubiquitous insult comic. Canadians tend to take pride in being the nicest people on the continent, but when it comes to my country, you all suddenly turn into Gallagher, obliterating American sensibilities (watermelons) with your mallets of sarcasm and wry invective. Well, look out Canucks, because this is payback.
I’d like to talk about what happened at the Rogers Cup, which is Canada’s excuse for a tennis tournament. The great Canadian hope, Milos Raonic, who doesn’t even live in this country, looked poised to win, but unfortunately had to face-off against a capable player in the finals. While I admit to hating Raonic out of jealousy over his thick, lustrous hair, I won’t hurl too many mean-spirited epithets about his performance in this article.
Rather, I would like to talk about the reactions of ordinary Canadians. When it became clear that Raonic’s one-dimensional serve would not save him from Rafael Nadal, the CBC commentators did something treacherously un-Canadian… They spoke the truth and said he wasn’t playing well enough to win!
Thankfully, hoards of angry Canadians tweeted their disdain. One angry tennis fan wrote, “[t]hese CBC announcers are horrible! They’re basically writing Milos off in the first set. WTF”. Many others protested these treasonous villains, questioning their Canadian credentials. Milos lost, but it must be the fault of those unpatriotic commentators. Doesn’t the CBC realize that Tinker Bell needs everyone to clap?
To be fair, if it had been an American player, I would have shot the commentators with my mother’s 9mm (after praying to the star-spangled banner), but that’s to be expected. You Canadians are supposed to apologize no matter what. So just admit that Raonic’s failure is your failure. Yes, I’m talking about you reading this. You should have clapped harder, you should have donated more to Canadian tennis clubs and you should have denigrated your neighbour to the south more. In the words of my countrymen, blame Canada!
