If Rob Ford did in-firms

Call Day

Hi Rob, Flavelle LLP here. Would you like to come in for an interview Monday?

Okay brother.

Great, 10am it is. We would also like to offer you a dinner. Can you make it for a meal on Monday night?

Listen, I have more than enough to eat at home, thank you very much.

Interviews

Tell me about yourself.

I could tell you I’m a guy from Etobicoke, former Don Bosco football coach, Leafs die-hard, but I was told to be real specific and focus on a few key skills. So first up, I have great attention to detail. People say I lied about having ever used crack cocaine, I tell them listen brother, you were asking the wrong questions. I said I wasn’t an addict of crack cocaine. You show me a candidate who is gonna be that precise with language, okay brother?

Second, the press jumps down my neck for drunk outbursts after I said I wouldn’t have another drunken outburst in 2006. Joke is on the liberal illuminati, because turns out if you look closely I said I would never have another drunken outburst at the ACC and brother, I have not! I’m saying brother, you apply this to some very careful contract drafting and we are in business brother, you never seen a guy with so much attention to f**king detail.

What is a time you failed?

You know, I’m going to be really honest with you, Lindsay. I failed at “Cut the Waist.” I set out to lose 50 pounds, and at one point I was almost there at 22 pounds down, but at the end of the day I failed at cutting my personal gravy train.

Okay, great. So what did you learn from that?

I am a sick mother**ker, dude.

What is a time that you rose to a challenge?

I’ll tell you I’m not afraid. I’ll fight him. No holds barred, brother. He dies, or I die, brother. Brother, you’ve never seen me f**king go. You think so, brother? But when he’s down, I’ll rip his f**king throat out. I will poke his eyes out. I will, I’ll make sure that mother**ker’s dead.

Tell me something that’s not on your resume?

Listen Joan, I appreciate that question I do. The thing not on my resume I guess a lot of people know now, and I want you to know, I was saving it for today but those rats got it out of me first. I have used crack cocaine. I think this is a specific instance of something concrete that demonstrates a number of important things about my character and I will list ‘em off right here and now.

First thing is I’m curious. I’m a typa guy, I’m open to different experiences and I’m looking for ‘em and when I see those experiences I will take them on. Second thing, off the top, not afraid of a challenge. People have been saying for decades that people who use crack cocaine can’t function at a high level and brother here I am, mayor of the greatest city in the world, slashing taxes by the tens and hundreds, a crack user. They said it couldn’t be done Joan and by god I f**kin’ did it, the highest functioning damn crack user in all of Southern Ontario.