Age appropriate clothing rules guaranteed to stop getting you carded
As a contributor and former features editor of UV, I really wanted to submit something profound for this final UV edition of my career as a student at U of T law. I’ve spent the last three years telling you where to get the cheapest bikini waxes, convincing you that YES, leggings are, in fact, pants, overshared about my personal life and raved about Scottish nightlife. However, I’m embarrassed to say I have yet to contribute any real piece of ground-breaking journalism to the Ultra Vires. As I pondered how to adequately write about this next great adventure I am about to take, I received a text: “Dinner/Drinks with the crew?” Eagerly I responded “OBVI… where!??!?” the response struck fear into my soul: “[insert Uber trendy King west establishment]”.
My first thought (after, “seriously could they just for ONCE pick somewhere with cheap beer?”), was, “wtf am I going to wear…” This may sound trite, but ladies and gentleman, this is a serious problem. The last time I had disposable income to spend on ‘going out clothes’ was approx. 3 years ago… right when I started law school as a early 20’s single-and-looking, dub-step loving WASC. A lot has changed since then… I no longer desire to show AS MUCH SKIN AS POSSIBLE when I got to the bar, crop tops have gone out of style, and I have less need for neon since I stopped going to the Hoxton to see over-priced DJs. Unfortunately, my wardrobe does not reflect this transition. I know how to dress for the office, but unfortunately I have no clue what 27 year olds wear. HOW WILL I FUNCTION OUTSIDE THE IVORY TOWER???? UV (aka, moi) set out to investigate how to dress for life after law school, and here are the groundbreaking conclusions I came up with:
1 STOP SHOPPING AT ARITZIA. Its been my go to pre bar afternoon “wtf do I wear to tonight!?” stop since I was 18… and that’s a problem. When you find yourself wearing the same top as the 19 year-old beside you at the bar it may be time to retire that shirt.
2 Sports-affiliated hats: You like the Jays? Greattttttttt, don’t care. We’re at a lounge, not playing slo-pitch at the park!
3 Shoes: Ladies: Just… learn to walk in high heels. It’s not that hard. If it hurts, pretend you’re Coco Rocha, the sidewalk is the Dior runway and model apartment rent is three days late. Wandering home barefoot is just embarrassing, if you must, invest in a pair of fast flats. Gentleman: NO SNEAKERS. When I think sneakers and the bar I think of J-shore, and maybe I’m wrong, but that might not be the vibe you’re trying to give off.
4 You are not Forever 21… So take a cue from their very informative name and don’t wear it.
5 A slightly older and more fashionable friend advised me to just wear what I would to the office, but slut it up a little bit. Example: lose the jacket, undo a few more buttons and add a big statement necklace, VOILA! Ready for da club!
6 Popped collars, over it.
7 Nails, like your hair, are sometimes best kept within the spectrum given to us by nature. (And I admit, I type this with chipped teal nail polish). Seriously though, nothing screams “MILLENNIAL” like bright green nail polish.
8 Fit: everything looks better if it fits right. There is a difference between “body con” and “too tight”, learn it.
9 Patrick, our lovely Editor-in-Chief Emeritus, when asked, offered “anything that makes you look different from anyone else… unique is bad.” I do not endorse this recommendation.
10 Best accessory: CONFIDENCE! Dude, you just graduated law school, BE PROUD of yourself!! It’s a proven fact that confidence erases at least 40% of clothing faux pas. 60% if Alcohol is involved!
And with that… Good-bye U of T, it’s been a slice. I know, I know, my incredibly relevant fashion advice that caters to the diverse needs of our faculty will be missed. But I’m confident J-Richards will have your style back next year!
xxxx
