Amir Eftekharpour (1L)
TORONTO, ON – Sources reported last month that an uneasy stalemate had developed between student Gabe Edelson and the free pizza on the table in front of him in the lounge. The tension reportedly began midway through the lunch break, after an executive from the Students’ Law Society brought leftover pizza into the lounge, thus fulfilling the organization’s primary mandate.
Onlookers in the couch area confirmed that Edelson noticed the pizza immediately, but hesitated before reaching for a slice. A close confidant of the 2L confirmed that Edelson was trying to watch what he ate, as OCIs were coming up and “Uncle Scotia can only foot the bill on so many suit alterations”. The 2L orally confirmed his intention to abstain from the pizza even after his colleagues began to indulge. Edelson repeatedly refused offers for a slice of Hawaiian, claiming that he was totally full as he had just “crushed a kale salad”. Furthermore, he signaled his intention to adhere to the strict ideals of Paleo and Crossfit, two regimes that he was “totally going to start after OCIs.”
However, experts with knowledge of the historic relations between all law students and free food expressed doubts that the standstill would last, and predicted a resolution before the end of the lunch break. Citing two previous incidents, interested third-parties noted that relations between Edelson and pizza, donuts, Samosas, and candy bars have always featured an intriguing will-they-won’t-they characteristic. “There was that one time he and a box of donuts were basically eye-fucking each other in the Reading Room,” said Stephen Franchetto, a classmate of Edelson’s. “Or last Friday when he flirted with that box of Samosas outside the Legal Theory workshop in Falconer, for like, an hour,” In both cases, bystanders reported that the nervous détente between Man and Food gave way to a period of frenzy and provocation, with only a few crumbs and maybe some sweet and sour sauce left as evidence that anything had been there before.
At press time, bystanders reported that Edelson had signaled his intention to end the stand-off by withdrawing from the contested territory. The 2L left the lounge for the refuge of the Reading Room. Experts questioned the long-term success of the maneuver, but Edelson expressed relief in the short term. “The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife,” said the 2L. “And then dip it into some marinara sauce. Or shit, maybe some ranch dip,” he continued, gazing longingly through the doors leading back to the lounge.
