Dear Dr. Valencourt

Vicki Valencourt, gorgeous model/singer/dancer/sex expert, has been around the block and back. From late night infomercials to Vanna White’s stand in Episode 2: Season 3, (original air date November 9, 1985), this soap opera mainstay boasts an impressive resume. She’s here to answer every burning question U of T Law’s got with her trademark candour and infinite wisdom.

Dear Dr. V,

I am a self proclaimed virtuoso at writing legal soft core porn fiction. I’ve always wanted to have my sensual stories in UV but I’m afraid the U of T law school community can’t handle my shit. Should I submit (pun intended) anyway? I’ve always wanted to be punished – I mean – published.

– 50 Shades of Bay

Dear 50 shades,

Honey you’re right – the majority of U of T Law won’t be able to handle your lurid and graphic romance stories. The prude patrol is gonna be on you like a stripper on a lubed up pole! However, there is a small group out there in every law class that is just itchin to read exactly the sexy, racy scenarios you are talking about and they will be eternally grateful. There just isn’t enough legal soft core porn fiction out there these days. The library had a decent section for a bit in the 80s – all the classics were there, like “Res ipsa lick my tit” and “Nemo dat ass”. But then there were protests and all that jazz and they took all them sexy books away! Protests, plus sticky book covers were requiring full time maintenance. Anyway, it was a sad day for me and the rest of the true fans out there. We had to disband our weekly reading group and eventually the orgies in the basement of Flavelle stopped too. Lordy, how I miss them!

Anyway, what I’m saying is you should definitely start writing those sexy scenarios out. Just use a pen name, like Justice Cumwell. We’ll fire up the old reading group again and you can be our first guest author! My nipples are getting hard just thinking about all the sexy legal scenarios…

Your fan,

Dr. V

Dear Dr. V.,

At the Halloween dance this year, the hot 1L was making out with his gf half-naked all over the dance floor. I feel like it will happen again at Law ball…what’s my best entrance move?

– Three’s a company

Dear Three’s,

Ah yes, I do recall the dance floor making out you describe. I recalled it every night for a few weeks in a row after the Halloween dance, if we’re being candid (and, Darling, aren’t I always?). So you’d like to know the best entrance move to begin a threesome. Honestly Three’s, I could write a book on the topic. A blog post, at the very least. Now what you’re describing is a live situation – the couple is in heat, their tongues interlocked while the world around them has become a sweaty blur. You need to insert yourself into the situation, and your best option is what I like to call the Schubert Snake. Step one is you hit the ground. That’s right, get right on your belly on the dancefloor. Now if you’re a male, you probably have a hard on already so this could get slightly uncomfortable, but no matter! You must soldier on. So you’re on the floor, now slither up to the pulsing pair until you’re right underneath them. Lay on your back and insert your head between their feet, look up, and start singing “Ave Maria.” Trust me, it works every time. Soon enough you’ll all three be rolling around on the floor for the world to see. There’s nothing better at Law Ball than a trio of lovers entwined on the dancefloor, wiping up spilled drinks with their forever-ruined clothes. It’s really what Law Ball is all about. God bless you and god speed. You’re a lover after my own heart.

Love and best wishes,

Dr. V