Blast From The Past: Boat Cruise Fracas, Baby Crocodile Theft, and Sex Advice

Nick Papageorge (1L)

12 September, 2006 – “2006 Orientation Smooth Sailing, Mostly: Incident on boat cruise only hiccup in otherwise awesome week” by Steven Werier

It seems that the 2006 Orientation Week fulfilled its organizers’ goal of being “more interesting and more fun” than in years previous. It certainly featured an interesting conclusion.

The author tells us that “Orientation week festivities were an incredible success, marred only by a physical alteration between law students and bouncers on Friday night’s boat cruise.” Highlights of the ordeal included a bouncer chasing a student around the boat; the Orientation Chair catching a nightstick in the face while trying to intervene; and the police officers who met the boat ashore being treated to what was undoubtedly a spirited and alcohol-fuelled demonstration of Constitutional and Criminal Law analysis by several upper-years.

Perhaps we now know why the most recent Orientation activities went nowhere near the harbour after sundown.

Cover image from the September 12, 2006 edition of Ultra Vires.

Cover image from the September 12, 2006 edition of Ultra Vires.

15 January, 2008 – “Peculiar Proceedings: More Unusual Legal Cases in the News” by Sharon Silbert

This segment seems lamentably to have run its course after just a couple of editions. However, it may be worth reviving for subheadings such as: “Australian Pothead Steals 2 Baby Crocodiles, 1 Monkey”, which the defendant in that case conceded was a “dumb stoner” thing to do.

The next one is even better: “Court finds Woman in Contempt for Filing Cheeky Document.” In this legal saga, model citizen and ironically-named defendant Judith Law was held in contempt of court after she attached a note to the order she had to sign revoking her probation. In it, she kindly urged the judge: “Kiss my ass.” She was sentenced to 90 days in prison for this erudite correspondence, so it is highly unlikely that the judge took her up on her offer. Perhaps Ms. Law was also being punished for her lack of originality, seeing as a “Motion to Kiss My Ass” had been filed in a Georgia case years earlier.

16 October, 2007 – Ultra Vires Solicits Submissions

“Don’t like Our Ultra News? Think You’re Funnier? You Try It! If we publish yours, we’ll give you $50”

So reads the ad from an issue of yesteryear. This is still the offer we make to you to this day, except we have tweaked things a bit. First, this offer is the subtext to every article we publish rather than a printed ad—making it no offer at all and totally unenforceable. Second, the monetary reward has been replaced by donuts, and this reward may be claimed by those who have successfully been published as well as those who have not, did not try, and could not care less.

So what are you waiting for? Write for us today! Or don’t! Either way—free donuts!

18 March, 2008 – “Scandinavian impressions of U of T Law” by Henrikka Hietala, Erika Löfgren, and Kajsa Wahrenby

At the end of an eight-month sojourn at U of T, these three exchange students from Sweden and Finland penned their host school and city a farewell letter. The trio signs off by noting how much they enjoyed themselves, but the meat of the article is their wonderfully pithy observations about life at the law school.

For instance, the group was surprised to find what they refer to as “Soviet-style washrooms” in use at the law school (a quick Google search coupled with a trip to the Falconer basement sheds some light on this description). The trio marvelled bemusedly at the abilities of our Supreme Court justices to engage in hundred-page “never-ending conversations with themselves.” The triumvirate was also perplexed by the amount of time U of T students spent on Facebook during class, given the remarkably steep tuition. Plus ça change.

17 January, 2006 – “How to screw your classmates (literally)” by Bumblebee

In this segment, an anonymous question-and-answer column of sorts, the author tackles a question of great social and political import: “How can I have sex with lots of people at law school and not get a bad rep?”

The author prefaces the answer by noting it is coming from someone who claims to never engage in this extracurricular activity. The tongue-in-cheek advice is to choose partners carefully: seek out a partner with more to lose reputation-wise than you do should the affair become public knowledge; avoid the chatty drunk; be discreet; get tested; and play safe.

But best part of the article is its conclusion to not bother: “There are so many reasons not to fuck your classmates. Do you want to sit across the solarium avoiding eye contact with last weekend’s mistake? These people are your future colleagues, adversaries, and bosses. How much do you want to end up working for someone who has seen you naked in creative and compromising positions?” In sum, “We have the whole rest of our careers to screw each other over.”