Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L)
In what legal experts are calling an unprecedented decision, Justice Julianna Bishop released a verdict today convicting her now ex-boyfriend, Mitch Fitchland, of multiple offences. In the decision released as Bishop v That Asshole Mitch, Justice Bishop found Fitchland guilty of both man-splaining and man-spreading, having bad taste in TV, looking every woman he has ever met in his entire life up and down, not listening, and having a stupid name. “There can be no further appeals,” Justice Bishop wrote. “There has been no error in law. Make no mistake, Mitch, you are truly a piece of shit.”
The judge took particular issue with Fitchland’s need to constantly explain everything to her. “I knew, I knew, when you began to explain mens rea to me last weekend that yours was a hopeless case. Did you forget what I do for a living, Mitch? Do you think I have a closet full of robes because I just really love GODDAMN ROBES?” she fulminated in her reasons.
Fitchland attempted to use precedent in his favour, citing another ex, Courtney C. “Courtney C. never cared about, like, any of this dumb stuff, and she wanted to marry me, so what’s your problem, babe?” he queried in his submissions. Justice Bishop did not believe she was bound by this precedent: “Ah, naïve little Courtney C. What was she, like eighteen? She was very sweet, Mitch, but her standards were just soooo low. Believe me, that is unquestionably the decision of a lower Court.”
Two other justices wrote decisions, one concurring and one dissenting. Justice David Davidson wrote, “I agree with the decision in outcome, but feel it necessary to add that we all knew immediately that Mitch was trash. The second he walked in the door you could see the garbage grin on his garbage little face. Why couldn’t you just listen to us, Julianna?” In a strange dissent, Justice Constance Picolito wrote, “I feel compelled to dissent from my learned brother and sister. Mitch is worse than garbage. He is, simply put, non-human sludge and therefore had no standing to go to trial in the first place.”
Legal commentators are left wondering what this will mean for the law in Canada. Meanwhile, piece-of-shit boyfriends throughout the country are now seeking counsel, gravely concerned about the precedent this decision sets.