Ask Ab Initio

Rabiya Mansoor (2L)

Dear AI,

I have missed a week of school because I was sick. I am too scared to ask anyone for notes and I do not really have any friends that I could turn to in my time of need. What should I do?

Best,

Nervous for Finals

Dear Nervous for Finals,

It is understandable that you are worried about not having the notes and materials for a whole week’s worth of classes. I mean, can you imagine how much you missed? Each professor probably already talked about the exact question on the final exam. And now everyone knows but you. Just give up—seriously, there is no turning back from this disaster. Stop going to class, tell your parents you are too good for law school, and start binge watching Gilmore Girls. Onwards and upwards, my friend.

Dear AI,

I’ve been having nightmares about not getting a job through OCIs. It is the same dream every time – I ace all of my interviews and then no one hires me. If that happens, my life will be over! What do I do?

Sincerely,

I Need a Job

Dear I Need a Job,

It is important to remember that you got interviews through the OCI process. I am sure you will get some calls on the fateful day of October 28. Or…maybe you won’t. So what if you don’t? You can kiss goodbye to making $80k+ right out of law school and paying back your overwhelming debt in a reasonable amount of time. All of your friends will disown you because they will have gotten cushy Bay Street jobs and they cannot be seen mingling with non-Bay Street trash. All of your professors will eventually find out your failings and you will be headed for LP land, which means you won’t even get to pass the bar exam. Maybe you should drop out if no one calls you.

Or, on October 27, call every firm you interviewed at and beg them for an in-firm. Tell them that your life will be over if you do not hear from them the next day. You could even pre-empt your call with firm love letters every day until October 28. I am sure that will guarantee you a Bay Street job!

Dear AI,

I just cannot give a shit anymore. I am in 3LOL and barely do anything in class. Am I screwing myself out of great learning opportunities?

Sincerely,

Bob, 3L

Dear Bob, 3L,

Congratulations! You have reached the pinnacle of law school. Learning is for the losers in 1L and 2L who actually have to worry about getting a job. You, on the other hand, do not need to engage anymore in the frivolous academic life. Besides, everyone knows the $33,000 you are paying this year is to get that sweet degree in your grubby little hands. Turn your brain off, close your eyes, and it will be June before you know it.