An Oral History of the IRAC War Part Three: Brief Accomplished

Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L)

When we last visited our duo of petulant professors and Queen Gloria, the group was completely split into three factions, but there was still hope that a unified Legal Methods class might prevail.

Dean McCourt: If that skinny ass b**** Hugh would have ever admitted this whole thing was his fault, maybe things would have worked out differently. Try getting him to admit he’s wrong about anything though. His puny, shrivelled raisin of a brain can’t even comprehend it.

Hugh English: He said I was what? Wrong? Wrong? Am I pronouncing that right? What does that even mean?

Queen Gloria: The two of them, my god, you know? Like, just, come on, what? You know? I mean, it’s like [makes frustrated grumbling sound]… It’s like trying to reason with two bottom-feeding catfish, every time you try to talk to them, they’re just down there eating… well, they’re just hard to deal with, okay?

Dean McCourt: Did Queen Gloria call us bottom-feeders again? You know, she thinks she’s like this majestic super being who’s so much better than us, and I guess everyone else in the world thinks that too, but like, she’s not so perfect, guys. Let me tell you some things about Queen Gloria…

Dean went on for approximately one hour telling increasingly lurid, insulting, and, most of all, unbelievable stories about Queen Gloria. We decided against reproducing them here. Finally we got him back on topic. Queen Gloria called a meeting of the three professors to try to forge peace.

Hugh English: Ah yes, the big meeting. It was noble of Queen Gloria to try, but Dean McCourt was never going to play along. He’s too petty. His demands were ridiculous. He wanted me to meet individually with each student and apologize. He wrote a script: “I, Hugh English, am amongst the lowest forms of life on earth and I regret everything I’ve ever done.”

Dean McCourt: It was a very reasonable request. It’s just that Hugh English is basically a small child. People actually like small children, though, and they’re capable of learning. Hugh is more like a cardboard box that someone painted a face on.

Queen Gloria: Right from the beginning, the meeting was going terribly. Dean calls Hugh a slimy newt, Hugh calls Dean a shitty little ventriloquist puppet, Dean pretends he’s got something in his eye. I snapped. I yelled at them for a full ten minutes.

Dean McCourt: I still have nightmares about Queen Gloria.

Hugh English: I think I might be in love with Queen Gloria. Is that inappropriate? Can you take that out?

Queen Gloria: And it seemed like it worked. We talked for hours after that. We didn’t come to an agreement, but we were close. The thing is though, it was all a lie. Each of them was buying time, while their followers carried out their sophomoric little schemes.

Hugh English: Oh, I was scheming alright. Throughout the whole conflict I had been hiding banana peels in places where Dean walked. Something I learned as a child. But now it was time for a surge. Total shock and awe.

Dean McCourt: It’s true, I slipped on way more banana peels than usual during that time period, but I didn’t make the connection until later. After the meeting finished, I went back to my office. I didn’t notice immediately when I walked in, but there were banana peels everywhere. Suddenly the lights went off and someone pulled the door shut. I tried to find my way out, but I was slipping everywhere. I must have fallen a hundred times trying to find the door. Finally, I just lay down, overwhelmed by the smell of bananas, and took comfort in the fact that I had been scheming, too.

Hugh English: I didn’t suspect anything. I didn’t think Dean had it in him. But that twerpy muskrat man booby trapped my office. When I opened the door, a bucket of paint fell on my head. Two paintball guns were rigged to shoot me repeatedly. I tried to use my computer and my mouse electrocuted me. I went to open a drawer in my desk and the handle burnt my hand. Can you believe it? He Home Aloned me.

Queen Gloria: And so it all came to an end. Our great experiment was over. It failed. I know I didn’t act perfectly. I can’t help but think if I could have just seen it coming, I could have put an end to their schemes before they started. But I tried, I really did, and I take comfort in that. The fact that my colleagues are morons is a shame, but you know, there’s a small sort of comfort in that too, in knowing that some people will never surprise you. They just can’t help but be themselves.

And that’s why Legal Methods is taught in three sections. And have you ever seen Dean McCourt eating a banana? Thank you for sticking with us these last three months and taking the time to learn about a part of our school’s rich history; we couldn’t have done it without your support.

The End