UV “News” Round Up

Rabiya Mansoor (2L) and Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L)

Admin Goes Day Without Student Complaint, Assumes the Worst

On November 24, U of T Law’s administration experienced something it had never experienced before. “It was four p.m. and we hadn’t received one angry email or phone call or drop in,” said a source within the administration. “Honestly, we assumed some sort of killer virus had wiped out all the students. You know how disgusting law students are. Wait, are we still on the record?” The lack of complaints was even more surprising considering that earlier that day an email had mistakenly gone out to the 1L listserv that said, “Professors, remember to submit the results of your course grade lottery by December 15.” “Still,” our source said, “not a peep!”

U of T Students Who Planned to Work in NYC This Summer All Change Minds

For obvious reasons.

U of A Student Writes Supposed Satire

Some U of A law student wrote an article that he had to remind everyone was satire and was supposed to be funny. When asked what he was satirizing, the author responded, “It’s obvious isn’t it? It’s women. I hate women.” In the article, the author hates a “fictional” woman because she drinks and is a sexual being. He also hates her when she stops drinking and no longer enjoys sex. He said it was satire though, so the whole world was cool with it.

Legal Profession Collectively Agrees to Change Dress Code

In what can only be described as the most welcome news of all time, the legal profession has collectively agreed to eliminate the suit as the standard outfit for lawyers. Instead, lawyers will now wear comfy t-shirts and sweatpants, with hoodies as an option in winter, and, of course, shorts in the summer. “This will not only make all of us more comfortable,” a spokesperson told us, “but will help even the playing field for lawyers who cannot afford expensive suits.”  In other news, Brooks Brothers just announced its newest line of luxury sweatpants, retailing at $4000.

Student Doesn’t Attend Pub Night

At 9 pm, 2L Linda Loopstra decided it was time for bed. But, that meant she wouldn’t be attending the law school’s pub night. Her friends were aghast, accusing Linda of having “no school spirit” and “not giving in to the rampant alcoholism of the profession.” Linda defends herself: “I was just really tired.”

Law School Adds Certificate in Numbers

After a baffling misunderstanding of the Learned Hand formula in Torts, U of T has decided to add a certificate in basic algebra to its course offerings. “Basic numerical literacy is key in the legal profession,” said Dean Iacobucci. Students will need to take four courses to complete the program: Addition, Subtraction, Multiplication, and Division. Currently, no students have showed interest in enrolling in the certificate.