An Administration-Approved Convocation Speech

To start with, I would like to thank the administration for fostering an environment that allows for the exchange of worthwhile ideas. I am proud to be speaking to the graduates of the best law school in Canada. U of T is the best law school because it is the most expensive. The higher tuition gets, the more prestigious the school becomes. High tuition is a gift that shows everyone how lucky we are to go here.

The facilities at this law school are state of the art. Have you ever licked the floors of Jackman Hall to see just how clean and well maintained they are? I have, and let me tell you, they taste delicious.

The mental health program at the law school is beyond reproach. No one at the University of Toronto Faculty of Law has ever felt sad or anxious. Well, that is not totally true. One time, two years ago, a student came to school with a frown. He was promptly given an ice cream cone and that frown disappeared.

The academics at this school have provided me with thrills that will last a lifetime. When I wrote my contracts exam in first year, I was overcome with excitement at the innovative and challenging fact pattern. That excitement did not dissipate as I wrote that exact same exam the next two years.

Here is a note from our generous sponsors. What is your favourite restaurant? Mine is the Goodmans LLP Café. From scintillating salads, to rad wraps, to cool coffee, come get some today. As the old saying goes, “Goodmans LLP Café: food that the administration deems fit to eat.”

I would just like to thank all the people who brought me here today. Osler, Hoskin and especially Harcourt, thank you for the beautiful atrium where I can luxuriate on campus; you are the wind beneath my wings. I would also like to thank McCarthys, Stikemans, Davies, Blakes, and Bennett Jones. I would thank my parents, but I don’t know them anymore.

To conclude, after all the law school has given us, it is time to give back. Consider making a donation, telling a friend, or pacing around laughing hysterically through Toronto’s major intersections. When you are working long hours to pay off debts incurred to go to Canada’s most prestigious institution just remember: it was all a gift. Now pay it back.