Tort or No Tort

There are students in all of my courses who persistently interrupt classroom proceedings to ask questions that begin with “So, let’s say . . .” According to one conservative estimate, these inquiries have absorbed approximately $6000 worth of my class time. TORT OR NO TORT?

The administration chose to release grades while class was in session. Due to the ensuing hyperventilating and sobbing, I was unable to discern the professor’s personal anecdote, valued at $1.72 per minute. TORT OR NO TORT?

One of the friendly staff at Goodmans LLP Café remembers my name and addresses me by it each time I buy a coffee. His intentions are pure, but this degree of familiarity makes me uncomfortable. TORT OR NO TORT?

Inside the all-gender bathrooms, there is a large red button that purports to activate a lock. It often fails, leading to effusive apologies and deep blushing. I think this is actually a tort. TORT OR NO TORT?

A number of 1Ls felt personally victimized by the hosts of Law Follies, causing immense indignation and self-righteousness. TORT OR NO TORT?

The administration recently invited all students to an event they called a “Cinq à Sept” but, bizarrely, no alcohol was provided. Ian Sinke recently invited all students to an event called a “Sinke à Sept” and ample Sinke was provided. Both events were extremely disappointing. TORT OR NO TORT?