We here at the Ultra Vires Hi-Tech Extremely Scientific Astrology Centre (UVHTESAC) have been running star charts for the past six months, taking into account all relevant factors in the totality of the circumstances. We are now prepared to present to you your legal career horoscope. Be warned, Mercury is stuck permanently in retrograde and all horoscopes reflect that grave fact.
Aquarius
The day you achieve your dream of being sworn in as a Justice of the Supreme Court of Canada is the day your whole life will fall apart. You will accidentally bang your head against an open cupboard door in your kitchen and experience a new kind of amnesia wherein you forget all of your legal knowledge, but nothing else. You will successfully hide this until your first day in Court, when you try to subtly ask counsel for the appellant to explain what appellant means, “just to make sure that they really know.”
Permanent Chief Justice Abella, as she will then be, will gently but firmly let you know that you will be removed from the Court. All of your friends will drift away now that you can’t obsessively talk to them about legal minutiae. Months later you will find yourself alone and miserable, eating uncooked Kraft Dinner noodles and pouring cheese powder down your throat in the dark when, miraculously, the same thing will happen to former Permanent Chief Justice Abella who will retire and seek you out for guidance and comfort. You will become best friends with Rosalie Abella.
Pisces
Nothing interesting will ever happen in your career. You will be a tax lawyer for a large accounting firm. But in your spare time you’ll build some really beautiful furniture, which you will find spiritually rewarding.
Aries
Oh, I don’t even know if we should tell you. It’s pretty bad. Here are some keywords: Disbarment, Criminal Charges, Dirty Mop Water, Broken Taillbone, A Dozen Assorted Donuts, Comfortable Couch, Diamond & Diamond. We would recommend just not worrying too much about the future. We can tell you that you’ll have a very cute dog named Buford who will love you unconditionally.
Taurus
You will never achieve your dream of becoming Prime Minister. On the bright side, you will never achieve your dream of becoming Prime Minister.
Gemini
Although you have told everyone you’ve ever met that the only thing you’re sure of is that you don’t want to work on Bay Street, you will article on Bay Street. You will go to sleep one night and wake up forty years later as a partner at a large firm and remember the dreams you once had of helping people. You’re okay though, you’re pretty happy, and maybe you have a family if that’s something you wanted.
Cancer
You will be offered a full-time faculty position at U of T Law. But it will be to teach LPPE. You will accept anyway and Professors Yoon and Stern will reveal to you that the position is cursed. Whoever takes the position has to make the class as boring as possible. The curse can only be broken if every student attends every single class. You will learn, though, that you truly enjoy coming up with ways to make the class even worse than before, until one year the class will become so legendarily, hypnotically boring that students will find they can’t turn away. Every student will show up to every class. The curse will be broken. You will not make it interesting anyway. You will love it.
Leo
Three years into your meteoric rise as Toronto’s top litigator, you will quit your job to become a comedian. You will write what is objectively The Greatest Legal Joke of All Time and make millions of dollars playing to capacity stadium crowds. You will wake up and realize it was all a dream. Even the meteoric rise of your litigation career. But you will remember The Joke. It still might happen!
Virgo
You will successfully solve the access to justice crisis. However, all credit for your work will be taken by a Capricorn. No one aside from a small group of people with no influence at all will ever know who you are and what you did. Your legal career will not be remembered. But you weren’t in this for recognition. Everyone in your life loves you with all their heart and celebrates your generous spirit. On your 110th birthday, you will die happy, surrounded by friends and family.
Libra
The day you finish paying off all your law school debt will be the day that U of T and Scotiabank announce they will hereby forgive all outstanding law school debt. You will write a song about it called “Ironic.” Not only will Alanis Morissette sue you for copyright infringement, but every single person in the world will send you angry messages telling you that you don’t understand what ironic means. Sometime later, you will win a Nobel Prize—in the newly minted category, “Word Science”—for proving that nobody in the world actually understands what ironic means.
Scorpio
You will become Prime Minister of Canada.
Sagittarius
You will become the first lawyer to successfully argue that your client, a cat named Clams Casino, should be given standing to sue its owner for false imprisonment. You will then win that case, leading to a worldwide cat takeover. Clams Casino will begin locking up all so-called “dog people” and you will be powerless to stop it. You will regret being such a good lawyer, but you will appreciate that Clams Casino bought you a nice bed and gives you treats all the time.
Capricorn
You will successfully take credit for a Virgo’s solution to the access to justice crisis. Nobody will ever find out what you did and you will be celebrated throughout the world. The guilt will eat at you and eat at you, but you will be too much of a coward to confess. One day, years later, you will bump into the Virgo and, in a moment of clarity and courage, you will throw yourself at the Virgo’s feet and beg for forgiveness. The Virgo will forgive you and the two of you will develop a deep and loving friendship. You will finally believe that you, even you, deserve love.
