Not a Fan
UV fucken sucks.
Greg Lochte (1L)
Also Not a Fan
Being a terrible paper is intra vires Ultra Vires.
P.S. That’s the kind of wordplay that should have gotten all the articles I have submitted this year into the paper. I guess I’m just too edgy for such a middle-of-the-road publication.
David Schneiderman (Faculty)
A Plea for Reason
Please, please, could you just leave us snails alone? We have enough problems with toads, squirrels, and red-winged blackbirds. Not to mention the constant risk of being stepped on if we step foot on a sidewalk.
Who do you think consumes the dried and rotten plant material in your garden after a long winter, allowing it to be recycled back into the soil? Sure, maybe worms do that, but so do we! Please, next time you are about to pour salt on one of us, take a step back and really think about why you’re doing it.
Snailene Snailson, President of Save the Snails (A Snail)
To all my colleagues, I have wanted to tell you this every day for the last two years, but I didn’t have the courage until now: I think you are all the absolute worst. I truly do not think any of you are smart, or interesting, or nice, or good at anything. Under the definition of the word nauseating in the dictionary, there is a picture of all of you. I am transferring to Osgoode. I hate you.
Trig Harvey (2L)
Osgoode didn’t accept my transfer application. Can you please not print that letter I asked you to print?
Trig Harvey (Asshole)
She Speaks for All of Us
Every Monday and Wednesday while I sit in Labour and Employment, I see Vincent Chiao walk by the window in his bike outfit and I completely stop paying attention to the lecture. I bet he bikes a hundred miles to and from campus every day. I bet he is in a bike racing league he founded called “The Constitutional Law of Bicycle Procedure.” I imagine that on days when the weather is too bad to bike, he feels like a bird in a cage. It breaks my heart to think of him feeling so sad. It’s okay, Professor, the sun will come out; you’ll once again have those feet on the pedals and feel the racing wind against your face. That bike outfit will sit in your closet unused no longer.
Am I in love with Vincent Chiao?
Lindsey C. Procedimiento (3L)
Do you think we should include at least one cat of the month every issue? I’m fairly confident that it’s what the student body wants.
Kevin Schoenfeldt (2L)
[Editor’s Note: We asked you to stop pitching this in October, Kevin.]