The Ultra Vires Guide to Networking

As our 1L year draws to a close, it seems like networking events are becoming more and more important. If the idea of networking does not excite you like it does me, here are some tips to improve your networking ability.

Make your way to the bar. Get a drink and splash some in your face. Then audibly gasp and loudly exclaim, “Ah, refreshing!” In today’s competitive business climate, employers want to see that you are easily refreshed.

Use an alias. John Smith is a pretty forgettable name and employers will have a hard time remembering it for you to make the impact you need. A name like Bartholomew Dinglehorn is a name that no employer will soon forget. Just make sure you don’t forget it, and that you are ready to seamlessly forge a new identity. Also, don’t use Bartholomew Dinglehorn, that’s mine.

Show your stamina. Around half an hour after the event starts, begin sprinting across the room. I don’t mean jogging, I mean a full sprint like Usain Bolt, but more desperate. Employers want to see that you are a go getter and willing to hustle. Run until you collapse, because that will show employers that you are willing to give it 110% and do whatever it takes.

Make eye contact. Of course it is important to make eye contact with the people you’re conversing with, but you can do better than that. Stare at people from across the room to show how focused you are on the task at hand. If they stare back at you, you have won and should immediately leave the event. You’ve done what you had to do.

Wear an elaborate costume. These people with their business suits and their ties and their socks are just sheep in a herd. You, on the other hand, stand apart from the pack, like a gazelle out in the open field. That is because you will wear a purple jogging suit, with a purple cane and cape. Employers will squeal, “This man or woman is a free thinker! He or she plays by no one’s rules but his or her own!”

Shout out clichés. “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” “Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you’ll land among the stars.” “There is no I in team.” Periodically shouting these slogans will allow employers to see how self-motivated you are, and that you are a person who understands what the game is all about.

Just be yourself. It is important to relax and let your true personality shine through. Unless you think they won’t like you. In that case, you should do the opposite.