More Featured Students: How the Other Half Lives

Stephanie D’Amico (2L)

Every September, the law school regales us with thrilling accounts of some of the most high-profile and glamourous members of the incoming 1L class. From musicians to physicists to human rights activists, these feature-worthy people bring truly impressive skills and experience to the law school. But what about the other 197 students? Who knows, but here are three you might not have met yet:

Area woman realizes she has no future in academia and begins third degree.

CHELSEA WILLOWS, 27

“When I finished my masters in the dialectics of comparative cinema, I was shocked to discover that the industry wasn’t hiring,” says Chelsea Willows. “Luckily, I have always been a strong writer and avid debater, which made law school feel like a logical fit.” Chelsea is currently working on a SUYRP that analyses the relationship between Supreme Court video recordings and the early music videos of Lana Del Ray. Her supervisor has described the project as “deeply impractical” and “borderline unintelligible.”

Lifelong overachiever decides law school is ideal context to assert alpha status.

DAMIAN SLOAN, 19

“When I heard there was a chance to be featured in Ultra Vires as part of the incoming class, I was thrilled,” explained Damian Sloan. “I never say ‘no’ to an opportunity and I’m pretty sure that’s why I’m the youngest person to ever attend the nation’s best law school.” As of September 19, Damian has participated in 90% of the volunteer programs offered by the school, 50% of the clubs, and has led 40% of the school-sponsored socials. He has also alienated 100% of his peers.

Undercover P.I. masquerading as student to patrol for SNAILS in the law library.

DREW LI, 45

“No. I can’t tell you who hired me,” insisted Drew, who goes by a different name among his peers. “I’m just trying to fit in, and, honestly, I think it’s working. Maybe even too well. I don’t understand how this happened, but I have a solid HH transcript. The Dean thinks I should do a clerkship,” he noted enthusiastically, “which is great, because I‘d love to alert the Supreme Court about the SNAIL epidemic facing elite law libraries in this country.” Before heading to his Advanced Contracts class, Drew asked to see the sticker on my library card.