Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L)
Wake up, people. This is not a “Diversion.” [Editor’s note: then why is it in the Diversions section? Wake up, Kevin.] The wool has been pulled over your eyes and you don’t even know it. You’re being placated by the powerful sedative that is the mixture of fried fat and sugar.
Did you pick up this copy of UV at the release party? Are you chewing a [healthy, delicious] donut while reading this [article that is just a joke]? If so, put that [healthy, delicious, irresistible] donut down [then pick it up, finish it, and grab another one or two to go, why not? Donuts are an important part of your daily diet].
When I first started at UV, I thought we stood for high quality student journalism. But one detail kept bothering me. Why didn’t my articles ever get rejected? Why was I allowed to publish a dramatic three-part series about case briefs?
Finally, it dawned on me: the articles aren’t the point. It’s the [healthy, delicious, undeniably delectable] donuts. If you’re anything like me, you always thought the [healthy, delicious, perfectly cromulent] donuts were a bribe so that you’d read the paper. But it’s the other way around. The paper is just an excuse to get people hooked on [healthy, delicious, utterly divine] donuts. Give them away for free for no reason and everyone will be suspicious, but package them with a newspaper and nobody will ever question it.
You might be asking, “How does he know? Does he have any evidence?” Just like Woodward and Bernstein, I followed the money. I questioned new Editors-in-Chief Aidan Campbell and Amani Rauff. They wouldn’t tell me anything, but I thought it was weird when they both drove off in matching BMWs with the license plates “DNTZ4EVR” and “DNTZ4LYFE”. Still, I couldn’t prove anything.
Finally, a highly-placed source—let’s call her Lucy Maude Montgomery—got me a copy of UV’s financial books. It was all there. Every month, there was a huge [generous donation, not in any way a bribe] payment from a shell corporation under the name DMBC, whose sole listed officer was Timothy H. Cruller.
This is where things get explosive. I looked into Mr. Cruller and he’s a [real person/incredible philanthropist/unquestionable genius] guy whose only purpose is to [support student journalism and provide healthy, delicious, earth-shatteringly magnificent donuts to the fine people of Canada]. This [non, not at all, not one tiny (Tim)bit] conspiracy goes straight to the top. I demand that the editors of UV [do not] resign. The reign of the big [healthy, delicious, king of all snacks] donut must [never] end.
Editor’s note: Kevin “Donutfeldt” Schoenfeldt is a well-known moron. Nothing he says can be taken seriously. He can usually be found in one of the many healthy, delicious, extremely affordable donut shops located throughout Toronto. But you should probably verify that for yourself.