Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L)
If you’re anything like me, the Internet is your best friend. When you have a problem, who do you turn to? Your parents? Please. Your friends? Ha ha, yeah right, like they know anything. No, you turn to the Internet. When I had a runny nose for what felt like an exceedingly long time, what did I do, go to a doctor? Do you think I’m stupid or something? No, I Googled it and found out that I was probably leaking spinal fluid out my nose. Problem solved. Knowledge is power.
It’s not only physical ailments though: the Internet can solve literally any problem you’ve ever had. Want to know who won an Oscar for best supporting actress in 1992? The Internet knows. Want to know how to properly boil an egg? The Internet knows. Want to know why life sometimes feels like one miserable damn thing after another and will you ever achieve your goals and will you ever again experience true, unfettered joy like you felt when you were four years old and you found a shell on the beach but then it was actually a living hermit crab and for a fleeting, ecstatic moment you knew that the universe was a mystery but also that it was good? The. Internet. Knows.
All this is to say that the Internet has a lot of advice on how to successfully make it through law school. Over the past few months, I tested out several common law school life hacks to see if they really work.
Life Hack #1: Reverse Procrastination
The Idea: The idea behind this life hack is that you need to disrupt your natural procrastination instincts. Don’t tell yourself you’re going to get lots of work done this weekend. Instead, tell yourself you need to watch as much TV as humanly possible. Tell yourself you have to go out for every meal. Tell yourself you absolutely must spend hours at the pet store picking out a Halloween costume for your cat. Now that you’ve put all this pressure on yourself to succeed at having a nice weekend, you will put these things off and do work instead.
The Results: Guys, have you seen the new season of Bojack? Have you watched American Vandal? Have you caught up on Scandal? Have you gone to Brooklyn Nine Nine discussion boards and commented at all? Have you watched the complete series of Parks and Recreation the appropriate five times yet? Have you seen that nine-hour Netflix show of a train going from Bergen to Oslo? Have you ever seen a cat dressed up as Mickey Mouse? OMG.
On a different topic, does anyone have maps for all my classes that I can borrow in December?
Life Hack #2: Get to Know Your Profs
The Idea: This one is simple. If you get to know your profs, the frequent close proximity to them will result in knowledge jumping through the biological Cloud from their brain to your brain. This occurs through a process recently discovered by legal biochemists called aethercognitionis transfer. This process is still being studied, but what is known at the moment is that it cannot occur through email. It requires proximity of no greater than one metre, for intervals of at least 119 minutes.
The Results: I tried this with Professor Hamish Stewart. I didn’t really learn any more about evidence law than I would have from going to class, but I have now seen My Cousin Vinny approximately four hundred times and Professor Stewart has convinced me that it is, indeed, “the only movie that has ever mattered.”
Life Hack #3: Find People Who Have the Job You Want
The Idea: Law school is all well and good, but it’s easier to get through if you know where you want to go afterwards and how to get there. Finding people who have the job you want is a big step in figuring out a plan. They have your job. You need that job. Do not let them keep that job from you. That job is yours. They need to be made aware that they have something that belongs to you. Let them know that, one way or another, you will have that job.
The Results: People do not respond well to this life hack. Do not, under any circumstances approach a justice of the Supreme Court and tell them that they have your job. Do not approach Michael Moldaver and tell him, to put it bluntly, that you are “not fucking around.” Do not ask Michael Moldaver about his pet cat, Squirrels, who likes to chew on the catnip growing in his backyard and in the same sentence mention cat poison. Do not take off the mask you are wearing and say, “Remember this face. It’s the face of the person whose job you stole.” He will remember your face. He will report you to your dean. You will have a heck of a time explaining that you’re just a student journalist trying out law school life hacks you found online. This will not make law school easier.
The Final Verdict
The Internet is the best place to go for medical advice and awards history, but these law school life hacks were ineffective at best and resulted in pending criminal charges at worst. In the end, the only law school life hack you need is the time-honoured strategy of doing just enough to get by and hoping for the best.