Lily Hassall (2L) & Maud Rozee (3L)
A priceless/price-unknown piece of art that was bolted to the wall goes missing from the Jackman Law Library? The thief takes the only exit not monitored by security cameras? And campus police are left with not a whiff of a lead on the culprit?
Open your eyes sheeple: the Jackman Heist was an inside job.
We interviewed everyone within a hundred miles of the scene, reviewed the security footage dozens of times, and did a dramatic reconstruction of the event to get insight into the timing, execution, and psychological profile behind this heinous crime. After careful consideration, Ultra Vires has narrowed down its list of suspects to the following members of the University of Toronto Faculty of Law community:
Professor Jim Phillips
Motive: Believes all private property is theft anyway.
Circumstantial evidence: Dresses like a cat burglar every day of the week.
Any law student
Motive: Crushing debt.
Professor Anthony Niblett
Motive: Wants to earn the nickname “Blue Blood Bad Boy.”
The Law Librarians
Motive: Developed a burning hatred of the art in the library after staring at it from behind the circulation desk for too long.
Professor Malcolm Thorburn
Motive: Can’t be bothered to think up new fact patterns or exam questions so is trying to manifest them in his day-to-day life.
The Ghost of Bora Laskin
Motive: Innate love of mischief.
Opportunity: Is incorporeal and likely all-powerful.
Motive: Accidentally spent the entire $300 financial aid budget and needs to come up with some cold hard cash.
Opportunity: Is also incorporeal and likely all-powerful.