Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L)
As many of you know, over the past months I have been involved in a lawsuit with the 1Ls. I called them too nice, I called them not that hungry, I called them the absolute worst, and I said they made me sick. It is not unreasonable to read the words of my January article, “The 1Ls Must Be Stopped,” and think that I was suggesting that the 1Ls were over the top, maybe even faking their niceness.
Well folks, I am here to say that I was wrong. I was wrong to question the sincerity of their kombucha. I was wrong to write “1Ls? More like Dumb-Ls” on the wall of a bathroom stall in Jackman Hall. I was wrong to post on the 1L Facebook page that I had forty extra bags of Cadbury Mini-Eggs in the Rowell Room and then eat them all in front of the 1Ls when they showed up. I was wrong. I see that now. I hereby publicly retract all of the bad things I said about the 1Ls, whether in print or in conversation.
1L class, please accept this sincerest of freely-given apologies: I am sorry. I will gladly apologize to any one of you in person upon request. In thinking about this situation, I have come to realize that the 1Ls aren’t the only people I’ve hurt. I’ve made so many mistakes in my life. As a gesture of good faith and in no way part of a confidential settlement agreement, I will publicly humble myself below by listing some of the worst of those mistakes.
I sneezed on someone’s laptop
I won’t say the person’s name here, but in first year I sneezed in criminal law without covering my mouth and a glob of sneeze goo flew onto the screen of the laptop of the person sitting in front of me. The right thing to do would have been to apologize profusely and get something to clean it off with and maybe offer to pay for some sort of laptop cleaning. Instead I just got up and walked out of class and never looked at that person again for the rest of law school. I’m really sorry to that person.
I ate a huge tupperware container full of canned tuna in Torys Hall
I know there’s no food allowed in the library, but I was really hungry. I recognize that an excessively large amount of canned tuna that had been sitting in my bag all day was not the correct choice and was disrespectful to the other occupants of the library. I’m sorry.
I told everyone that I’m in my 30s
I’m actually 87. Sorry youngsters.
I did a really, really good impression of Adam Ragusa
Sometimes the truth hurts. Adam, I apologize.
I once said ‘actus rea’ instead of actus reus when answering a question in class
I’ve never stopped thinking about it. Forgive me, please.
For a period of time I was a member of the Dean’s spy network
It was my job to notify Dean Iacobucci every time somebody complained about one of his policies. In my defence, I turned double agent and informed for the SLS secret service. Still, maybe there shouldn’t be any spy networks at a law school. My bad I guess.
I found half a cookie with a shoe print on it in the bathroom and I ate it
I don’t know what to say. Whoever it is whose cookie I ate, I’m sorry.
I painted the super creepy portrait of Pierre Trudeau that’s in the library
I WANT IT TO HAUNT YOUR DREAMS. And I’m sorry for that.
Intersession was my idea
One day last year I was talking loudly in the atrium about how much I love deemed days because it meant an extra day of class and I love going to class so much, and I said, “Wouldn’t it be great if we had a whole extra two weeks of class that were mandatory?” And the curriculum committee members all happened to be walking by right when I said it.
I know you’ll never forgive me for that, but I’m sorry.
I’m actually an actor prepping for a role
I’m now fully prepared to inhabit the role of Background Law Student #47 in the remake of The Paper Chase, starring George Clooney as… whoever’s chasing the paper, I guess? I don’t know. I haven’t seen the original. Anyway, sorry for being dishonest.
I lied about actually being an actor
I’m just the regular, 87-year-old, former spy, painter, weird food eater, gross sneezer, Adam Ragusa impression-doing, intersession-inventing person you’ve always known. I just thought you’d think I was cooler if I was going to be in a movie after we graduate. Oh well.
For all of these things and for anything else I may have forgotten, I am truly sorry. I hope all of you can forgive me someday.