The Ones That Got Away: Articles I Didn’t Get to Write

Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L)

Including this issue, I’ve written fifty-one articles for UV over the last two years. I just counted them. And I know what some of you are thinking. You’re thinking, “That’s way too many articles, Kevin. Don’t you think that’s too many articles? Have you ever heard of self-editing? Shouldn’t you maybe do some school work?”

In a sense you’re right. But in another, more correct sense, you’re wrong. It’s not too many articles. It’s NOT ENOUGH! Not even close to enough! I want to write MORE, MORE, MORE! Alas, time is like an ethics lecture, it just keeps going on no matter how badly you want it to stop. So, since I’m out of time, here’s a list of all the articles I didn’t get to write:

Lists

  • Ten Signs That the Dean has Been Replaced by a Jazz Musician Look-Alike
  • His hour-long saxophone solo at this month’s Yak’s Snacks. Only a jazzy impostor would mishear Yak’s Snacks as Yak’s Sax.
  • Fourteen Different Ways to Say “It Depends on the Facts”
  • The Seven People You Should Befriend and Use to Get Better Grades
  • Seven Tricks to Convince People You are Actually Their Friend
  • Seven Ways to Sincerely Apologize to People Who You Were Using to Help You Get Good Grades, But Now You Realize That They Are Actually Beautiful Human Beings and You Are Just a Sad Lizard Person Who Needs to Learn to Be Better
  • Eleven Signs That Someone is a Lizard Person Using You to Get Better Grades
  • They make you a peanut butter sandwich and then say something like, “I don’t know about you, but every time I eat a peanut butter sandwich I really want to share maps with people.”
  • One Good Joke and Seventeen Dumb Jokes About Some Law School-Related Thing
  • Six Ways To Find Out if You Are the “One True Lawyer” As Prophesied by Grismerelda the Legal Oracle
  • Top Ten Criminal Offences to Frame your Parents For to Get Them to Stop Asking You About Your Grades
  • 36,440.93 Reasons You Shouldn’t Have Gone To Law School
    • Get it? It’s a tuition joke.

Articles Using Song Titles/Lyrics as Their Titles

  • Trap Queen: You’ll Never Believe Which SLS Member Is Setting Booby Traps All Over the Basement
  • How You Remind Me: It’s Not Like Yoon to Say Sorry [No, I don’t know what this article would actually be about, okay editors? Can you please just give me a break? This is how you remind me of what I really am. (A hack).]
  • You Can Call Me A.I.: Blue J Legal Unexpectedly Takes On the Personality of Paul Simon
  • Who Let the Dogs Out?: Doggie Day Deemed Disaster After Five Furry Friends Freed from Faulty (F)Leashes
  • Sabotage: Dean Iacobucci Unmasked as Mastermind Behind Mass Mutt Mania on Doggy Day
  • It’s Been One Week Since You Looked At Me: I’m Sorry for the Embarrassing Thing I Did at Pub Night, Can We All Just Forget It Happened?
  • (You Can’t) Give It Away Now: Court Grants Injunction to Stop Anyone From Having to Hear the Red Hot Chili Peppers Ever Again
  • I Will Always Love You: An Acrostic Ode to Vincent Chiao
  • Uptown Funk: What is That Smell Coming from the Faculty Kitchen?
  • Blowin’ in the Wind: What is That Smell Outside the Law Building?
  • And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going… to Graduate Because I Failed Ethics

“News”

  • Law Review Reviews Law, Gives it One Star: “Is this really all we’ve got?”
  • The Grand Toot a Great Success
  • UV Writer Apologizes for Hilarious Headline Typo
  • UV Writer Apologizes for Calling Typo Hilarious, Resigns in Shame
  • Law School Tool Leaves Pools of Drool on Library Stools for April Fool’s
  • “I Stole the Art for Love”: The Art Thief Tells His Side of the Story in an Exclusive Interview
  • Art Thief Caught After Granting Interview to UV
  • In Celebrated Decision, Supreme Court Declares it Unconstitutional to Require Employees to Wear Anything Fancier Than Sweatpants
  • First Law School Opens Under the Sea
  • In Response to University Magazine Declaring U of T Law #1, Students Ask, “If U of T is So Good, Then Why Was Kevin Schoenfeldt Admitted?”, School and Kevin Have No Good Answer
  • UninChestered Consequences: Study Finds That Cheeto Consumption is Up 300% After Infamous SCC “Sweatpants” Decision
    • For you young punks who might not know, Chester Cheetah is the Cheetos mascot, so the title of this article is a really clever and awesome pun.

Self-Indulgent Articles Nobody Will Ever Read

  • Could You Walk Any Slower?: A 14-Part Series About the World-Record Setting Slow-Walkers Attending the Faculty of Law
  • 8,000 Words by a Made Up Legal Scholar About the Emerging Field of Corporate BBQ Law
    • Sample subheading: Do We Need Better Steakholder Protection?
  • Deans From My Father: An Unauthorized and Inaccurate Book-Length Biography of Dean Iacobucci

Non-Joke Articles

  • In a Sentimental Mood: Everything That Has Ever Made Me Sad in My Entire Life
  • So Long and Thanks for All the Boiled Eggs: Boiled Eggs as a Metaphor for Law School Somehow in One Final Reflective Article