Totally real news from around the law school
Witness me, blood bag!
After backlash over the introduction of the Cognomos course selection system, the administration has decided to quote “fuck it” and revert to the “Battle Royale” system employed under former Dean Mayo Moran. Sales of silver spray paint skyrocketed following the announcement.
Intro to Statistics added to 1L curriculum
Sara Faherty has added introductory statistics to the mandatory 1L curriculum after explaining to the umpteenth student that maximum aggregate happiness does not imply maximum individual happiness.
Wellness sharks need new handler after departure of Yukimi Henry
The departure of Manager, Academic/Personal, and Wellness Coordinator/Shark-Handler, Yukimi Henry has hit no community at the law school harder than the school’s school of wellness sharks. Stikeman Elliot (Great Hammerhead), Paliare Roland (Shortfin Mako), and Fasken (Basking) have been particularly despondent. Applicants must have three years counselling experience and all of their fingers.
Robert Wagner surprised to find himself Chief Justice of Canada
Retired auto-worker Robert Wagner, 67, of Trois-Rivières, QC was surprised to wake up one morning to find himself Chief Justice of Canada. When asked about his priorities for his tenure, he hoped that he would be able to “bring presents to all the good boys and girls”.
New Chief Justice?
A panicked Dean Iacobucci reportedly made a frantic phone call to the Supreme Court of Canada ordering Chief Justice Richard Wagner to legally change his name to Robert Wagner after an embarrassing email sent to the entire student body. When pressed on the mistake, the Dean held up a copy of Justice Wagner’s birth certificate with “Richard” scribbled out in Sharpie and replaced with “Robert”. The Right Honourable Richard/Robert Wagner could not be reached for comment.
Rite of the Yakarist delayed
The first Rite of the Yakarist of the new school year was delayed when the wafers failed to arrive on time. Student eagerly awaiting renewing their covenant in the Dean’s blood were forced to pretend that they totally would gather in the atrium in such large numbers at 10 am.
Nothing of note happens in main floor bathroom hallway
Absolutely nothing of note happened in the hallway leading to the main floor washrooms in September. Entirely unrelated, nothing of note occurred in the reception area either.
