Ultra Vires


MPG’s Top 10 Facebook Uses

Law students spend a lot of time on Facebook. It is both a vital procrastination tool and a way to creep their classmates. Law students also use Facebook for social advancement –here are some of the ways by which they do so.

10. By commenting on the wall posts and status updates of social leaders. Nothing screams to the masses “I’m friends with this guy!!!” like commenting on every piece of content that appears on his timeline. Some people would suggest that there is something of a social hierarchy in law school. By visibly interacting with people who are above them in that hierarchy, law students aspire to inch – ever so slowly – upwards.

9. By posting extremely cute baby pictures of themselves. This shows fellow law students that you were once cute, carefree, and subject to your parents’ whimsical senses of style. Unfortunately, everyone knows that Kodak was still solvent in 1989 for a reason: their film-based photography products were the only thing going. But hey, it’s not like anyone actually realizes how much effort was involved in digging through your attic, locating your old family albums, searching for that one perfect shot of yourself, peeling back the sticky covering, and scanning and uploading that photo to Facebook. There is nothing vain about that AT ALL.

8. Public, private events. That awkward moment when somebody plans a birthday party, invites their 40 best friends, makes the event public, and tells their friends to “invite other people.” This is perhaps the number one way to create social angst in law school: if you get that friend of a friend’s invite, four days after the event was created, are you really going to go?

7. By bragging about the fun they’ve had procrastinating and simultaneously telling the world of the challenges they now face in completing their work. Sample post of this genre:

“Played Skyrim all night! Soiled myself! Now have to write 10,000-word memo in 4 hours!!! #lawstudentproblems.”

Nothing is less cool in law school than admitting that you actually had to work for that B+. That student “writing” his memo in 4 hours has already researched primary, secondary AND tertiary sources. He has also met with the prof five times, prepared an intricately-detailed outline, and written all of his footnotes. It’s a fine line though. Three hours would have definitely been tight.

6. By posting in the University of Toronto Law Class of 2014 Facebook group. Facebook is a social networking website and there is no more effective way to network with your classmates and the fifty-odd upper years who joined the group to creep 1Ls [Editor’s Note: MPG is a member of this group] than by deluging their e-mail inboxes with important notifications. Group members react particularly well to such posts as “Here’s a funny video telling 16-year-olds not to go to law school that everyone was sharing on their timelines two weeks ago!” and “I apparently don’t know anyone in my 95 person section, so can some random please take notes for me in Torts on Monday?”

5. Marketing. By demonstrating their domestic prowess. Or their abs. Nothing says “future Bay Street husband” like a properly-cooked roast, a well-dressed dog, or a delightful and well-looked-after toddler. [Editor’s Note – wtf?]

4. By gushing over their girlfriends’ Facebook photos. “Sooo pretty!” and “You are far too attractive for law school!!” are common refrains. Nothing makes another girl like you more than blatant public flattery. Unfortunately, there is an awkward “I need to reassure you because I am concerned that you lack self-esteem” vibe that comes out in these comments. But, not being female myself, I will not impute my interpretation of such posts onto ALL of those who have received them [Editor’s Note – thank you].

3. Pity-liking: by liking posts that haven’t been liked yet. This serves an important supportive function to your friend, who, in an attempt to get attention, has posted some trite, or altogether-uninteresting content that no one cares about. Even more awkwardly, your friend might have made a remark that he clearly thought was witty but which no one else thought to be such. Everyone in law school knows that you two are bros though, so you’re like tends to make his post look even more pathetic. “Aww, he needed his best friend to like his post…sooo awk.”

2. By friending…everyone. Because everyone knows that 2,000 Facebook friends is the epitome of cool. And because the first step towards succeeding in Method 10 is to actually be Facebook friends with the cool people.

You know you’ve made it in law school when someone with whom you have never spoken, or seen, or heard of adds you on Facebook – and you have to check Stalkerbook to verify that she is, in fact, your classmate. You also know you’ve made it when you win a game of chicken: when there’s one classmate who Facebook keeps recommending to you, who goes from 75, to 83, to 97, to 105 mutual friends in the span of 3 months, and who you REFUSE to add. You wait…and he adds you. BAM!

1. Face. Book. Chat. Or, as some call it: “the best use of lecture time short of actually paying attention.”

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