Those of us studying law love to categorize. It’s our way of turning any real-world situation into a logic game. We also love to date*. Unfortunately, as a group, we are basically useless when it comes to relationships. This guide provides a category-based approach to courting (wheeling) that law student you haven’t had the guts to approach. It will also help you get rid of them when you realize they are even more anal and self-absorbed than you are.
The Hipster
Where to find them: Kensington Market and any and all street festivals.
Conversation starter (pick-up line): Chirp Harper. If he’s a tough sell, chirp Romney.
Where to take them: Some sort of protest. Bonus points if it’s for a group he didn’t realize was oppressed until right now.
How to bail: Tell him you don’t do long distance when he takes a job with Big Law in New York.
The Sophisticate
Where to find them: Canoe, Spice Route, or anywhere on King West. Check her facebook for recent ‘check-ins’ at impressive and classy joints like the symphony and Marc Jacobs (in NYC of course).
Conversation starter: Tell her she looks way better in her Aritzia pants than Rachel Bilson. Smile awkwardly when she points out that they’re Kenneth Cole.
Where to take them: Take her to the Lower Ossington. Everyone likes to slum it now and again.
How to bail: Take her to the Brunny.
The Partier
Where to find them: Pub night and firm-sponsored receptions. Look out for the guy who was cut off by McCarthy’s at 4pm.
Conversation starter: “Jagerbomb?”
Where to take them: Flip a coin between The Lakeview and Canton Chili’s at 2am. Bonus points if you’re drunk and it’s a Tuesday.
How to bail: This guy isn’t looking for a relationship, so why not lock down a convenient booty call? Just make sure to get rid of him at least two weeks before OCI’s to prevent him from telling your Director of Students (post-tequila shot) that you’re BFF.
The Gunner
Where to find them: Skip the obvious (library, front row, office hours for a prof whose class he isn’t taking) and stake him out at the nearest fast food joint. Bonus points if you let him cut in front of you in line (he clearly doesn’t have time to wait).
Conversation starter: Ask him what kind of law he’s interested in – securities or M&A?
Where to take them: Somewhere quiet and intimate so you can really talk. He wants to hear all about what you think about which firm is the best “fit” for him.
How to bail: Tell him you didn’t apply to the Seven Sisters because you’re really looking for work-life balance. If that fails, ask him to hang out on a Tuesday.
*Warning: don’t say this around the Partier you’re trying to blow off.
The Playboy
Where to find them: Doing the Thursday night law school version of GTL: Gin, Tank top, Levack Bloc.
Conversation starter: Roll your eyes when he tries his best line on you – it’ll remind him of his awkward and dorky phase when he couldn’t get a date (i.e. all of high school and most of undergrad). Nothing says ‘take my pants off!’ like insecurity and repressed memories.
Where to take them: Somewhere with no other [insert your gender here].
How to bail: Somewhere with two or more [insert your gender here].
The Networker
Where to find them: Any alumni event or Dean’s Lunch. If it’s a slow week, try scoping out Rotman (note that this does not require that he is a JD/MBA).
Conversation starter: Mention how flattered your Great Grandpa Falconer was when they named a Hall after him.
Where to take them: Wherever it is make sure they serve your favourite cocktail. You’ll need something to sip awkwardly when he ditches you at the bar.
How to bail: Introduce him to a McLachlin. Better yet, an O’Leary.
* hook up.