Ultra Vires


Word on the Street: Valentine’s Day Plans vs. Reality

His Plans: Go out to a moderately priced McDonald’s, just me, my sweetheart, and my paralyzing guilt over dipping into the Scotia line of credit one more time.

What Actually Happened: Saw a guy in the McD’s line who looked like the teller at Scotia, had a minor freak-out, and ran home for Mr. Noodle and scented candles.

Bernd Buschke (3L)

His Plans: Have a nice chill day and get some work done at home in Burlington. Caitlin and I agreed that seeing Dave Chappelle on Friday was our Valentine’s Day celebration.

What Actually Happened: Crisis averted—Caitlin and I got Greek food together in Burlington. No harm no foul.

Andrew Lynes (3L)

Her Plans: The same as what Andrew said! Wait, he’s going home?! I assumed that we would be doing something together…

What Actually Happened: Foolish boy.

Caitlin Porter (3L)

What She Said Happened: My AMAZING AND THOUGHTFUL boyfriend totally surprised me with an amazing dinner for two he cooked and flowers and really nice wine!

What Actually Happened: Rona spent 5 hours arranging a fake table set for a romantic dinner to get the perfect lighting for an Instagram pic while her boyfriend fell asleep during a particularly long Fail Compilation video he was watching.

Rona Ghanbari (2L)

His Plans: Read the collected works of Lord Byron with a glass of Coche-Dury Les Perrieres, under the auroral hues of February moonlight.

What Actually Happened: j/k cried into empty protein container.

Tyler Henderson (3L)

His Plans: Watch Deadpool, a classic love story about a man who gets cancer but fights back for the woman he loves, with my soulmate.

What Actually Happened: Soulmate kidnapped by supervillain outside movie theatre as part of contrived superhero origin story.

Cory Bettel (1L)

His Plans: Go to Montreal, spend time catching up with long-time girlfriend, eat well and do lots of cuddling.

What Actually Happened: Train to Montreal broke down outside of Belleville in -25 weather. After winning a survival of the fittest competition I became the leader of car 5’s new post-apocalyptic winter society. As their leader, I reinstated the right of Prima Nocta and mated with the women, and some men, on the train as part of a debaucherous new Valentine’s Day ritual known as Gamunga.

Nitai Ben-Shach (3L)

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