Ultra Vires


News of the Legal World

Kevin Schoenfeldt (3L)


Hips Not Credible Witness, Court Rules


In a decision that sent a wave of shocked murmurs throughout the courtroom, a judge ruled this week that she would not allow evidence from Shakira’s hips, finding that there were “severe credibility issues” that could not be overcome.


The hips were set to testify that they had overheard the accused, Dennis Nedry, speaking with an unknown accomplice about a plan to steal confidential scientific materials from the InGen Corporation. When asked why she herself did not overhear the conversation, Shakira replied, “I was talking to my agent at the time, so I didn’t hear it. My hips, on the other hand, hear everything.”


Crown Counsel repeatedly argued that it is a well-accepted proposition that Shakira’s hips don’t lie. But Judge Tennille Ingolsby found that there was too much uncertainty in allowing hips to testifyregardless of their reputationin spite of the fact that, last year, the Supreme Court held that, under certain circumstances, a heart may testify because, as they say, “the heart knows what it knows.”


Some legal commentators, such as Professor Henry Michael Church, believe that even if Judge Ingolsby had found the hips credible, there might still have been hearsay issues. “The hips, I assume, would have to testify through Shakira, who would tell the Court what her hips told her. This testimony would then be used for its truth, so I’m not sure the testimony would have been accepted in the end, regardless of the decision on credibility.”


In response, Shakira said, “This, of course, is preposterous. My hips speak for themselves.”


UV’s Pivot to Video Fails


Earlier this year, Ultra Vires Editor-in-Chief, Aidan Campbell, announced that the paper would be pivoting to video starting in November, 2017. “The age of physical print is over. Also, the age of digital print is over. The time of the video has come,” Campbell said in a speech to investors.


This week, however, Campbell’s spokesperson, Timothy Cruller, announced that the pivot had been canceled after a beta testing period was, as one participant described it, “a baffling disaster.”


This participant, who agreed to speak only under conditions of anonymity, described what he saw:  “It was just videos of printed articles. If the article was too long, the camera would just pan slowly over the whole thing but, like, way slower than a person reads. Parts of it were out of focus too. I really don’t think they know anything about making videos. There was one actual video. It was called something like ‘Editors hard at work planning the next edition,’ but it was just, like, actually twenty minutes of the Editorial Board eating pizza in silence and then it ended.”


While Campbell acknowledged that this was a devastating blow so early in his term as Editor-in-Chief, he said he’s not ready to give up on his plan just yet. “Yes, mistakes were made. Maybe by me, who can really say? But hardly anyone knows now that Youtube began as a local RadioShack flyer. Only after seventeen unsuccessful pivots-to-video did their plan workand now look at them.”


Law Student Successfully Makes Rote Statement of Law on Facebook Thread About Social Issue, Is Celebrated


Clay Pennington successfully became the hero of the Internet this week when he had the courage to post a rote statement of law on a Facebook thread filled with emotional and personal reactions to the undesirable outcome of a controversial trial.


“My friends,” Pennington wrote, calmly, collectedly, level-headed as can be, “we, as law students and future lawyers, must be better than this. It is not our role to ask what is the outcome we would like, but to ask what is the outcome that a rote understanding of the law demands.” Pennington went on, stoically, bravely, understanding the real issue much better than anyone else in his class, “The law is simple. It says, ‘if x, then y.’ Not, as was the case here, if ‘x-ish, then y.’ The judge simply had to rule the way he did. That is the law and we are lawyers. Q.E.D.”


The immediate reaction was one of celebration. “Thank you so much for teaching us the law, Clay,” wrote Grace Tripp. Class President Kendra Slotnick added, “Yes, thank you Clay. I don’t know what we would do without your super-helpful input.” Another comment that read, “You are fucking dumb, Clay,” was confusing at first, but Pennington informs us that this is slang used at the school to mean “cool.”


This having taken place on the Internet, however, meant that the trolls soon showed up and took over the thread. The general idea of their comments was that Pennington should do any number of different things to himself. Pennington assures us, however, that he received many more positive comments by direct message from people afraid to make themselves targets for the trolls than there were negative comments on the thread itself. He promised to show us some of these messages but had not done so at press time.

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