The 1Ls Must Be Stopped: An Open Letter to the 1Ls

Dear 1Ls,

You 1Ls are so nice. “How nice are we?” you yell back, cooperatively. You 1Ls are so nice that you bring extra pizza to lunch events to make sure that there’s enough to go around. You 1Ls are so nice that when you go to a mandatory professionalism lecture you all actually pay attention, because it would be rude not to. You 1Ls are so nice that you’ll believe someone if they say, “This library table is reserved for 3Ls only.”

I think I speak for all upper-years when I say—and I mean this in the most respectful way possible—that the 1Ls make me sick. But maybe you can’t see it. Maybe you need someone to put it in perspective for you. So, to prove my point, here are some extremely real, certainly not made up posts from the 1L Facebook page:

Like, I mean, come on—really, enough already, right? WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH EXTRA FOOD? ARE YOU NOT HUNGRY? Do you really think that what the world needs is a bunch of people being nice and openly supporting each other? Isn’t the world enough of a nightmare as it is?

So all I ask is that every time you’re thinking about posting something really friendly on Facebook, and every time you’re about to make kombucha for the whole school, and every time you’re about to go way out of your way to help a classmate, just stop for a second and don’t do it. Think about yourself for once. Better yet, think about the upper-years. You’re making us look bad.

You wouldn’t want that on your conscience, would you?

With love,

Kevin Schoenfeldt

P.S. I just accidentally made sixty cookies—and I ate every last one of them. Deal with it.