BETWEEN:
Class of 2020
Plaintiffs
and
Kevin Schoenfeldt
Defendant
Statement of Claim
TO THE DEFENDANT
A LEGAL PROCEEDING HAS BEEN COMMENCED AGAINST YOU by the Plaintiffs. The claim made against you is set out in the following pages. The Plaintiffs really didn’t want it to come to this, and they feel kind of mean for doing it, but they hope that the Defendant will understand that, at some point, enough is definitely enough.
IF YOU WISH TO DEFEND THIS PROCEEDING, you or an Ontario lawyer acting for you must prepare a statement of Defence, serve it on the Plaintiffs’ lawyer, and file it WITHIN TWENTY DAYS after this Statement of Claim is served on you. The Plaintiffs would like to emphasize that if the Defendant needs emotional support during this twenty day period, they are perfectly willing to provide kind words and warm smiles in spite of the circumstances leading to this claim.
IF YOU FAIL TO DEFEND THIS PROCEEDING, JUDGMENT MAY BE GIVEN AGAINST YOU IN YOUR ABSENCE AND WITHOUT FURTHER NOTICE TO YOU. The Plaintiffs, however, knowing what it’s like to be judged in their absence by (ahem) someone, agree that they are willing to put off judgment for as long as the Defendant needs to get his act together, which, they acknowledge, could be quite some time.
Date Feb 28 2018
To: Kevin Schoenfeldt
Ultra Vires Office
Toronto, ON
Y0U 5UK
CLAIM
- The Plaintiffs claim against the Defendant:
(a) general and special damages for defamation, speaking ill of an entire class out of pure jealousy, and just sort of not being a great guy, in the amount of $7,200,000; and
(b) aggravated and punitive damages in the amount of one hug, one cheerful greeting, and one batch of cookies for every 1L who so desires.
(c) such further and other relief as to this Honourable Court may seem just. Like maybe, for example, requiring the Defendant to publicly shame himself in a future edition of Ultra Vires.
Parties
- The Plaintiffs, the Class of 2020 (“the 1Ls”) are a class of law students at the University of Toronto Faculty of Law with a pristine reputation for being kind, friendly, and generous people. For approximately six months, they have been taking classes such as Torts, Contracts, and Criminal Law, amongst others, all while working to build a supportive community for themselves and for the law school at large. While focusing on being the best possible global citizens, the 1Ls came under attack by the Defendant, Kevin Schoenfeldt (“Kevin”), in an article in the failing student newspaper, Ultra Vires (“UV”).
- The Defendant Kevin is a 3L wannabe hipster slacker who writes stupid articles in UV every month because the appalling lack of strong leadership at that so-called publication means nobody will stop him. Kevin resides in the City of Toronto. Kevin has said multiple times, in public, that Titanic is a great movie. Kevin is also well-known to like Taylor Swift, even though he very much knows that it’s not cool to like her anymore. You don’t even want to know how often Kevin eats boiled eggs.
- The only good thing about Kevin is his cat, Fishsticks (“Fishy”), who is a living miracle.
Kevin’s Article in the January Edition of UV
- On February 1, 2018, UV released its January edition. The January edition being released in February is illustrative of the level of care that is taken by the UV editorial staff. The “January” edition of UV contained an article written by Kevin entitled, “The 1Ls Must be Stopped: An Open Letter to the 1Ls” (“The Article”).
- In The Article, Kevin:
(a) Implied that the 1Ls would obediently respond to a joke set-up as trite as “the 1Ls are so nice”;
(b) Stated that the 1Ls “make me sick”;
(c) Implied that a 1L would only make 600 pancakes for the school when clearly at least 1,200 would be required to feed the whole student body, and a 1L would never exclude other students from a communal breakfast;
(d) Implied that the 1Ls are making the world more of a nightmare than it already is;
(e) Implied that the 1Ls are making the upper-year students look bad when it is an accepted fact that the upper-year students are inherently miserable and do it to themselves; and,
(f) Claimed to have made cookies and not shared them with anyone, which is wrong and should shock the conscience of the court.
Kevin is Liable to the 1Ls for Defamation
- The Article constitutes defamation. It was published, both in print and online. Only one reader is required for publication and the Plaintiffs submit that it is very likely that Kevin sends all of his articles to his mother. The Article is clearly about the 1Ls, as they are referenced in the title of The Article, and it begins with the words, “Dear 1Ls.” The words of The Article are defamatory in nature, in that they would tend to lower the reputation of the 1Ls in the eyes of others.
- An objective person reading The Article would think that the 1Ls are pretty nice, but slightly over-the-top about it. In reality, the 1Ls are much nicer than The Article implies and their niceness is 100% genuine. The 1Ls are truly better than all of us. As their counsel, I had to fight to keep that sentence in this Statement of Claim, because they insisted that they are no better than anyone else. This is only more proof of their greatness. Kevin’s article, in failing to properly illustrate the absolute goodness inside each and every 1L, lowered the 1Ls’ reputation in the eyes of others. A nice person would fix a classmate’s sweater; a 1L would knit sweaters for the entire world.
Entitlement to Damages
- Because of the Defendant’s defamatory article, the 1Ls have experienced profound sadness from knowing that a person like Kevin is out there feeling miserable enough that he has to lash out at a whole cohort of students. The 1Ls have also noticed that upper-year students start to smirk whenever a 1L does something nice, which interferes with the natural high that comes with doing something good for others.
Entitlement to Aggravated and Punitive Damages
- Kevin’s conduct demonstrates a level of pettiness heretofore unknown amongst law students, and therefore warrants aggravated and punitive damages.
Plaintiffs’ Willingness to Settle
- The Plaintiffs agree that if the Defendant is willing to look the 1Ls collectively in the eye and sincerely apologize, they would revoke this claim and give the Defendant the biggest group hug that the world has ever seen. The 1Ls hope that Kevin will choose love.
February 28, 2018
Tenderheart, Wonderheart & Harmony Bear LLP
77 Kindness Lane, Suite <3
Care-A-Lot, Ontario LUV A11
