Intra Vires

Totally real news from around the law school

Faculty Council Attendance Drops Precipitously After Lunch No Longer Provided

Attendance dropped steeply at the most recent Faculty Council meeting on October 23, 2019. Chair Ed Iacobucci took the unprecedented move to call upon Sergeant-at-Arms Benjamin Alarie to gather reluctant Faculty Council members. 

Sergeant-at-Arms Alarie was seen rousing professors, staff, and students classroom-by-classroom from nearby events where food was served, such as the Mary and Philip Seeman Health Law, Policy & Ethics Seminar Series, the The James Hausman Tax Law and Policy Workshop, and the Critical Analysis of Law Workshop. 

Assistant Dean Sara Faherty was spotted hastily gathering leftover tuna wraps from the first year mandatory legal research and writing workshop with Justice Lorne Sossin. 

Call Day Sees Spike in 9-1-1 Calls

There was a spike in 9-1-1 calls this past week from worried roommates of 2Ls across Toronto as another Call Day came and went. 2Ls were seen variously shaking, nervously muttering, and shrieking from pent-up anxiety.

Intra Vires urges any 2Ls coping with post-Call Day stress to take a bubble bath, play some ragtime music on an old-timey stand-up piano, and do their shrieking into a pillow.

Cognomos Now Being Used for Public Interest Placements

The law school has offered to let PBSC, DLS, the IHRP, and the Asper Centre use Cognomos to assist with student placements.

When reached for comment, DLS said they were “thrilled to unleash Cognomos on unsuspecting 1Ls. That’ll teach them to complain about our process.”

In related news, applications to public interest placements are expected to decline precipitously.

In Memoriam: The Water Filter outside Bora Laskin

The long beleaguered water filter outside Bora Laskin Library passed away earlier this fall after a long battle with “Needs Replacement.” A memorial plaque has been placed over the indicator light to mark its passing.

Curiously, the memorial plaque was not engraved prior to its installation. It is presumed that the faculty will remedy this oversight shortly. Intra Vires has been unable to confirm if the water fountain’s filter has in fact been replaced.

Co-ed Basketball Team Turns to Cthulhic Rite in Response to Poor Record

In an effort to turn around their season, the co-ed basketball team drew straws to see whose collarbone would be broken in sacrifice to Azathoth, Lord of Intramurals. Unfortunately, the chosen method was to throw basketballs at the unlucky player’s collarbone. As of publication, none of the balls have found their intended target.