Ultra Vires


The Bachelor Predictions

The scoop on this season’s standout contestants

The Bachelor is back for its 24th season and, as an avid fan (read: masochist), I’m here to give you the scoop on this season’s standout contestants. The ladies so far are hotter, messier, and younger than ever! It seems we’ve officially hit the point where the show is older than the average contestant at the ripe old age of 24. 

When I watch The Bachelor, I’m not looking for love. I’m looking for cold, hard, calculated strategy. As much as the women claim they’re here for the “right reasons,” we all know it’s a game and I’m looking for who’s got what it takes to be a winner. 

Peter’s heart is just one of many possible prizes. I’d say Peter’s heart is the fifth-best prize. The best prizes are, in order: (1) becoming the next Bachelorette; (2) getting a spot on Bachelor in Paradise; (3) landing a skinny tea promotion deal on Instagram; (4) getting to stay on the show long enough to travel to Costa Rica, but not so long that you have to travel to Ohio, or god forbid, so long that your family has to get involved (because, oh god, that would be a nightmare). 

Who’s In
It may seem hard to tell who stands out to Peter, who charmingly uses the same lines with almost everyone. But, you can sense Peter has an extra spicy chemistry with some of these girls—mostly through his tendency to keep his face no further than three inches from their faces in any given interaction.

Hannah Ann. From the beginning, Hannah Ann has known how to assert herself to get alone time with Peter and stand out from the crowd. She understands that she may force any woman to immediately surrender her TV boyfriend if she says the following legally binding words: “Sis, do you mind if I steal him for a minute?” She seems sweet, but when dealing with the other girls, she brings out a poker face so steely it could send a chill down your spine.
Kelley. As an attorney, Kelley is obviously the pick of the law school. (Dean Iacobucci declined to comment.) If she scored well on the bar exam, how hard can it be to score with Peter? Their meeting prior to the show also gives their connection an air of reality that is lacking in the connection between Peter and the other girls. And as for the competition, her litigation experience means she’ll know how to hold her own against the others.
Victoria P. Although I have seen enough healthcare provider TikToks to seriously doubt if nurses are trustworthy, I do trust Victoria P. She came across as sweet and earnest when opening up to Peter about her family history, and sincerity is extremely difficult to pull off on this show. Plus, she was willing to puke before she gave up in the motion sickness challenge. That kind of commitment will take her far. 

Who’s Out

At this stage, the starting point of this list is all the ladies whose names I’ve already forgotten because they get so little screen time. That list also sadly includes most of the women of colour on this show who, for some reason, Peter has spent the least time alone with. Of those ladies, I’ll say I’m least hopeful for Savannah, Kiarra, and Deandra. Sorry ladies, you may be gone before this article is published.

Other Girls I’m Not Placing Bets On

Kelsey. I don’t think she can ever fully be forgiven for starting Champagne-gate, the most dramatic fight around a beverage that reality TV has ever seen. 

Sydney. Although Peter did seem to value her opinion when she told him to watch out for Alayah, I can’t help but think this will come back to hurt her. Contestants using their precious alone time with the Bachelor to talk smack about the other women usually don’t progress much in their own relationship with him. It will only cause drama, which will send him into the arms of one of his other five favourites, who he will proceed to appreciate even more for helping him feel better about all the turmoil and also for not being such a bummer!  

These are my predictions, but on this show, anything could happen. As every recap and “Coming Up Next” warns, this season will bring a twist like never seen before! There’s a part of me that thinks, at the end of this, Peter will realize he wants none of the girls and just wants last season’s flame, Hannah Brown, back. 

No matter what happens, I’m sure we can count on many more romantic “finascos”, in the words of Hannah Ann, to entertain us along the way.

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