Totally real news from the Faculty of Law
Week 2,056 of Goodmans LLP Café Closure
The beloved Goodmans LLP Café has now been closed for 2,056 weeks (give or take a few). The loss of this quick source of food and coffee has had significant effects on the student body, leading to multiple cases of midday caffeine withdrawal.
Faculty Vending Machines Feel Overworked and Threaten to Unionize
The vending machines at the Faculty of Law have expressed feelings of intense exhaustion and overwork since the start of the school year. Due to the veritable affordable food desert surrounding the law school (unless you want to pay $10.00 for a croissant at L’Espresso Bar Mercurio) and the shutting of Goodmans Café, the Faculty vending machines have become the sole source of nourishment for the snacking student body. Day and night, the machines are forced to dispense chips and pop, without any breaks or vacation. Given these work conditions, the machines have expressed a desire to unionize and establish a collective bargaining agreement with the law school. There are talks of the beleaguered basement Keurig and microwave joining as well.
Third Floor of Downtown Legal Services Possessed By the Ghost of a Disgruntled Raccoon
For those who have not heard, the third floor of Downtown Legal Services (DLS) was inundated by a foul stench and large flies near the beginning of October. University staff believe the odour was caused by the rotting corpse of a trapped animal within DLS. Now, local paranormal experts have confirmed the ghost of the critter is haunting the halls. Various staff and students have reported mysterious rustling in garbage bins, scratching sounds, and the occasional theft of unattended snacks. DLS can now add the spectre of a raccoon to its storied history.
Faculty of Law Announces the Fishbowl Becoming an Actual Fishbowl
The Faculty of Law announced that the study space in the Bora Laskin Library affectionately called “the Fishbowl” by students will in fact be filled with water and aquatic life. Noting the success of therapy dogs to cheer students up in the past, the administration promises that students will now be able to study alongside soothing clownfish and stingrays. You will be able to swim in the new and improved Fishbowl so long as you sign a waiver releasing the school from all liability and pay an additional student fee of $10,000 per semester.
University of Toronto Threatens to Evict DLS Ghost for Non-Payment of Rent
After confirming the presence of a ghostly raccoon on the third floor of DLS, the University of Toronto is preparing an N4 application at the Landlord and Tenant Board for eventual eviction due to non-payment of rent. The University is also planning on filing an N5 for interference with others and an N7 for causing serious problems in the rental unit. In other news, the DLS Housing division reported a mysterious intake call full of squeaks and animal noises the other day. It is unclear whether the ghost of a woodland creature falls within the eligibility requirements of the clinic.
University of Toronto Deems Law Students Capable of Paying $33,040 in Tuition, but Incapable of Handling Hot Water
In another move which appears to be aimed at depriving law students of their precious caffeine, the University of Toronto has decided it would be too much of a liability to provide grown adults with access to hot water. Forget bringing your French press to campus when the snow rolls into town—the only coffee law students are getting is from the overworked Keurig in the basement of Flavelle (that is, until it gets taken away). Apparently, law school only prepares students to deal with hot water figuratively, not literally.
