First mercury retrograde of 2022 shows no mercy
The start of a new year and new semester is no joke. Add on recruiting season, clerkship applications, intensive papers, mooting materials, and Zoom School of Law, and it’s safe to say that law students are having it hard. Have no fear, though! UV’s got your back with fresh horoscopes to help you tackle this year’s particularly brutal mercury retrograde.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
It’s your season, babes! Put on that hot pink blazer and strut … right into Bora Laskin. I’m sorry. That memo ain’t writing itself. Somehow, you managed to fall behind before classes even started. But have no fear. Against all odds, your procrastinating ways haven’t completely bitten you in the ass and you’ll pull through after another all-nighter. You’ll tell yourself you won’t do it again. Spoiler alert: you will do it again.
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
Remember reading those crazy hypotheticals in torts and thinking who in the world would actually be stuck in those situations? Meet Pisces. They’re the reason you’re writing a three-hour exam about a kid who slipped on some ice and ended up causing World War III. Causation? Most likely.
Aries (Mar 21 – April 19)
You’re the sadistic guy who actually enjoyed administrative law and legal process. I’m a little too afraid to even write about you, Aries. If Vavilov didn’t break you, I’m not sure what will.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
Taurus, baby, are you alive? We haven’t seen you since the last time the law school gave us free pizza. Please @admin, give us back free food. Our poor Tauruses are suffering.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
It’s everyone’s favourite two-faced rat! We could all learn a lesson from you, Gemini. Somehow, you managed to earn opposing counsel’s trust (and their oral arguments) through a well-played puppy eyes move. I’m not sure how ethical that is (I’ve only finished two weeks of Legal Ethics), but after all, you’re becoming a lawyer. Teetering on the line of ethics is part of the gig. Just ask the IHRP hiring committee for advice.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Cancer, you wrote in your personal statement that you came to law school to “help change the world.” And while 99 percent of people who wrote that went on to defend Big Pharma, you actually stuck to it. Sure, you’re eating Cup-of-Noodles for dinner for the third time this week. But hey, the view looks great up there on your moral high horse!
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
How does it feel to be the main character? Perfectly highlighted notes to match your perfectly highlighted balayage, you’re living your Elle Woods life! You should be the one giving us advice. I’ve never seen someone actually make a summary, outline, AND a map … clearly someone paid attention in Legal Methods. Some may call you a gunner—and don’t get me wrong, you are—but god, did you have to make being a keener look so good?
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
Please stop telling everyone that your daddy owns a law firm. I promise you that nobody cares. Unfortunately, daddy’s money can’t pay for that HH (though it will, probably, get you that six-figure job anyways, so who’s really crying? It’s me. I’m crying).
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Dude … you need to chill. I promise that you’ll be okay without overcommitting to ten different extracurriculars on top of a maximum course load. What’s that—Libra, where did you go? No, Libra, back away from the volunteer moot. Fine, then don’t complain about how Law Review is kicking your ass.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
What’s it like being the most mysterious sign? No LinkedIn, no Facebook, cameras off during the Zoom class. Mic is perpetually broken so you only communicate vaguely through the chat. Do you even go here???
(Editor’s note: Not only did Scorpio go here, but they went on to be the gold medalist, clerked at the SCC, partnered at a Sister, and eventually became Chief Justice. Real G’s really do move in silence.)
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Tbh I have no idea how y’all are surviving this pandemic. But then again, I also have no idea how you survived pre-pandemic. Sagittarius is the person who will go out for drinks the day before their crim exam and spend the whole night explaining the intoxication defence to the poor bartender. Somehow, they’ll still get the HH. Cheers to the next Call Come to the Bar!
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
You’ve been busting your ass, Capricorns, and I see that, even if you don’t want to be perceived. Your hard work will pay off. But please get some sleep. Or at least take a shower. Getting a whole table to yourself at the fishbowl isn’t the flex you think it is.
