Totally real news from a fall-themed Faculty of Law
Fall decor brightens up free coffee and tea
New fall-themed decor at the coffee and tea station has improved students’ lives immeasurably and brought a cozy ambiance to their harried 8:30am coffee stops. Students note that the festive decorations have done more for their mood than all of the school’s mental health initiatives combined. Reports indicate that the pumpkin spice-flavoured creamer is an especially popular addition.
Admin’s ghosting now related to spooky season
Admin was pleased to announce that their inconsistent replies to student emails are officially a fun and seasonally appropriate way to celebrate Halloween. For this year’s celebration, they have chosen to embody a mysterious spirit who appears and disappears with no rhyme or reason, and is only helpful some of the time. We look forward to seeing how the admin will celebrate the next major holiday!
Security to start carding wherever there is free food
Following many complaints about SNAILS (students not actually in law school) sneaking into Jackman to get free drinks, pizza, and pastries, security will be randomly carding people around food distribution areas to verify they are members of the law school. Information about suspicious characters will be gathered into a database which will never ever be used for a negative purpose. SNAILS claim the practice is discriminatory and swear that by the time the issue reaches the SCC, they will be actual law students somewhere.
Out-of-province students to declare their own #wexit
Inspired by the apparent popularity of the Alberta Sovereignty Act, out-of-province (OOP) students have banded together to declare sovereignty from the law school. They will no longer allow U of T’s “lawless intrusion” into contentious OOP issues. From now on, OOPs will refuse to pay additional fees for simply having recently lived outside of Ontario, and they will only pronounce the name of the province between Manitoba and Alberta as Saskatchew-IN.
Bubble Tea Equity Social wins award for highest attendance
Although the Grand Moot has traditionally held the record for being the most highly-attended event, a new winner emerged this year. The Asia Law Society’s (ALS) Bubble Tea Equity Social had students from literally all around the world coming to gather on the Jackman lawn. Exchange students were reportedly flying in from Dublin, Amsterdam, and even Australia to come get a taste of that sweet, sweet boba. The secret? No one can resist the allure of this sugary and chewy Taiwanese classic!
Checking your email past midnight good for health, study finds
A recent study has shown that those who continue to check their email after midnight are the least susceptible to burnout. It may be that these students who are the hard workers burning the midnight oil are also the ones who are naturally the most resilient. However, if you are not one of those students, fear not. The Faculty sends out Today’s Events emails at 12:43am each day, which is something that you can look forward to past midnight to try and keep up with this new study’s findings.
