Using horoscopes to dictate your life path is only somewhat more arbitrary than the recruit
As we wrap up yet another recruiting season, many students are left wondering how pivotal their results are to their future career plans. Fear not! You may have gone through hell and back to finish in-firm week, but the stars will ultimately decide your career. No schmoozing required!
Aquarius (Jan 20–Feb 18)
Aquarius is the f-boy of the signs. They’ll rub elbows with everyone at the recruiting event and call you their first choice, only to flash a smile while rejecting your offer to go for your arch-nemesis. After grad, they’re heading straight to Bay Street, but don’t be fooled. Like my ex, they don’t plan on staying for long. You’re redlining documents while they’re entertaining a Red District’s worth of recruiters. It’s not long before they land a cushy in-house job, turning over to external counsel any questions they can’t find an answer for within a five-minute Google search. Somehow, we still love them.
Pisces (Feb 19–Mar 20)
Pisces wrote in their personal statement that they want to save lives. Unfortunately, they couldn’t score high enough on the MCAT, and so they’re here. They’re definitely ‘saving lives’ by saving their client’s reputation. Don’t worry, Pisces, I’m sure the ducks like suffocating in oil! Pisces cry themselves to sleep every night, but hey, at least their clients are happy.
Aries (Mar 21–April 19)
Can Aries pretty-please respond to my email? For goodness’ sake, it’s only 3pm on a Thursday; they can’t be out of the office already. Wait—what’s that? Aries was spotted at Maddy’s downing shots with the court clerks? That’s it. I’m applying for a government job too.
Taurus (Apr 20–May 20)
Taurus is what happens when mom and dad were a little too absent during childhood, and now the kid can’t live without academic validation. Congrats on getting into that LLM program! What’s next? Obviously, a PhD. And if you get that far, why wouldn’t you do a postdoc? And a post-postdoc? Anything to delay being a real adult, right? Don’t worry, Taurus. I think the IHRP will still be looking for a director by the time you’re done with school.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
Doesn’t everybody just LOVE capital markets?!?!? What could be more exciting than financial restructuring? I puked a little while writing that. Gemini is the freak who not only enjoys burning the midnight oil but took pleasure in going through the recruit. They’re gonna end up being the quintessential partner in the firm. You know, the one that sends you a “plz fix” past midnight on a Saturday when you’re out with friends and your laptop is miles away. You’ll send them the revisions early Sunday morning when you should be nursing a hangover. They won’t thank you.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
You are the one percent. Before you sue me for defamation, I mean you’re the one percent of U of T Law students who willingly pursue a clinic job long-term. Either you’re actually part of the one percent, and so daddy dearest is paying off that downtown rent and tuition, or you genuinely stuck to your morals. Either way, your future involves running a successful clinic and helping the city’s most in-need…all while overworking and underpaying your students. That’s the circle of life, baby!
Leo (July 23–Aug 22)
Well okay, Ms. Future Supreme Court Justice. Leos are someone I’d love to hate, but they make being a gunner look so damn good. After clerking at every court available, Leo fast-tracked their way into getting their SCC-approved Santa Claus robes. Even with their busy schedule, they’ll make time to “give back to the youngins” by judging the annual Grand Moot. Unfortunately, they’re that judge who conveniently forgets these are literal made-up problems in fake court and makes student counsel cry. Oops.
Virgo (Aug 23–Sep 22)
Work in Canada? What, are you a peasant? As if. Daddy’s been holding that spot for you at JP Morgan since you were seven, but you really wanted to prove to others that you’re self-made. You earned your coveted New York job through your hard work and grit on the golf course, where you competed against a dozen other trust fund babies. Goodbye, and good riddance!
Libra (Sept 23–Oct 22)
I honestly have no idea what you’re doing with your life. But that’s okay—neither do you. Someone told me you were doing an indefinite exchange abroad and starting your life as a literal bread maker in Amsterdam. But there’s a post tagged on LinkedIn that says you’re returning to your 1L clinic. And wait, where did you get those red bottoms? Something isn’t adding up.
Editor’s Note: If you know a clinic that pays enough for red bottoms, please let the writer know. For purely… informational purposes.
Scorpio (Oct 23–Nov 21)
Has anyone seen Scorpio since we got the extra line of credit in October? In fact, have we seen Scorpio since 1L? While the rest of us are going broke over this degree, Scorpio was making a curious number of trips to the Cayman Islands. Someone took Financial Crimes and Corporate Compliance a little too seriously. Scotiabank, if you’re reading this, I promise I have no idea where Scorpio went.
Sagittarius (Nov 22–Dec 21)
Sagittarius are the people you meet and wonder what in the world happened that made them go to law school. Not because they’re not smart enough, but because they’re just too cool. You were a backup dancer for Beyoncé, and you’re telling me you’d rather do doc review all day? Okay there… Luckily for Saggitarius, they are indeed too cool to be stuck in the law library all day. They’ll end up starting their own business and exclusively hiring anyone but law students. Go figure!
Capricorn (Dec 22–Jan 19)
You finally did it. You achieved what all law students can only dare to dream about. You quit. Not just working at your legal job, but working in general. While others complained the law library was letting in SNAILS, you were strategic. You spotted that medical backpack from a mile away, and now you’re on your fourth vacation in two months. And honestly? I’m proud of you. You suffered for over 19 years. It is time for you to shake your ass. On a yacht. In Dubai. IN A THONG.
