Totally real news from a spooky and cold Faculty of Law
Professors deeply disappointed that 2Ls did not want to come to class during OCIs
Earlier this month, professors at the Faculty of Law were aghast at the idea that 2Ls did not want to come to their 5 to 7pm course on the evening of their OCIs. Anonymous professors interviewed by the UV stated that they were “disappointed at how ‘weak sauce’” these upper-year students were, and asked if “they even lift, bro.” When requested for comment, a 2L student simply said “please,” and “I am so tired.”
SLS proposes even more exciting Faculty of Law merch
Following the startling success of the Faculty of Law merch sale this month, the Students’ Law Society is now seeking to generate additional funding by selling even more bussin’ merch. An interview with the president of the SLS, Justin Kim, revealed plans to introduce the following merch:
(Brackets indicate totally real comments from Mr. Kim)
- Energy drinks (it’s just Red Bull with a Faculty of Law logo slapped on it)
- Stress balls (to match the U of T bookstore ones! Cheaper than therapy!)
- Thong (for when you’re feeling like a lil’ saucy intruder)
- Birth control (to protect yourself from the lil’ saucy intruder)
- SLS Sparkling Water Subscription (Only $79.99, a real steal!)
- SLS x J’s Java cups (The most hype collaboration of the year! You can use it for sparkling water!!)
Terima? More like Teri-blah
Terima is now open for business, and the polls currently suggest that while the service is amazing, almost everything else is just mid. One dissatisfied customer threw away an entire cup of coffee because “it was horrible.” Yet another customer “blacked out” after seeing the price of a salad. Rumour has it that one student had a good experience with the egg and cheese sandwich though. When asked about Terima, many students grew teary-eyed, saying that they missed the free coffee people, who “really came through for them” during tough weeks, particularly during exam season. Students remain hopeful that Terima will continue to improve and perhaps even become a bragging point for U of T Law.
Annual SLS Halloween Party Canceled–Replaced with Spooky Networking Night
If you were one of the lucky guests who attended the 2022 SLS Halloween Party, then you would be fortunate enough to recall how phenomenal a networking opportunity it was! With the bright, professional ambience of the Falconer lights shining all night over the guests, one couldn’t ask for a better chance to network with your peers. Imagine it: more than 300 1Ls, 2Ls, and 3Ls all gathered in one brightly-lit place, ripe for the resume-pickings! Given its resounding success, the SLS has declared that this year’s SLS Halloween Party shall be formally reworked into a SLS Halloween Networking Night. So bring your scariest costume and your best handshake. Your LinkedIn growth is waiting for you!
Helpful career advice from the Faculty
Although that cute little townhouse on St. Clair Avenue may be forever out of your reach, Faculty would like to remind all of us that it is okay that we were not all born 35 years ago. More rest over extra hours? Never heard of her—no one wants to live in a house smaller than the one they grew up in. The only real sacrifice is working in Big Law and on Saturdays. After all, it’s a different world now; no one uses punctuation in emails anymore. But don’t worry. The Faculty assures us that as long as you treat your entire lives as a non-stop job interview, you will be sure to succeed!
OCIs to be replaced next year in light of continually increasing wait times for responses
The LSO has recently announced that OCIs are officially outdated, and they will be replaced with something equally effective and way less stressful. Inspired by the latest Willy Wonka movie, 2L students will have a chance to receive job offers without the need for those pesky 17-minute dates and in-firm interviews. Bay Street firms will now gather in the Atrium on the first day of class and offer bottles of ginger beer, which 2Ls must open and finish under the watchful eye of the representatives. Only the most qualified students will subsequently find a semi-decomposed snail in their drink, which will be their golden ticket to a job offer at the firm that provided the ginger beer. Who knew law students would come to love snails? To the 2Ls: we wish you all the best, and may the odds be ever in your “flavour.”
Update: Class of 2026 1Ls ejected from October OCIs, decide to hold own OCIs
Last month, the class of 2026 1Ls were shocked and appalled to discover that the Bay Street firms did not, in fact, let them participate in the 2L OCIs. Instead, the 1L students were escorted out by building security. In light of these harrowing events, the keenest of the keen 1Ls have decided to hold their own 1L OCIs. It is unclear whether anyone has told them that there is already a 1L recruit, or what firms these keeners are sending successful students to. Rumours suggest that they will just be interviewing each other, in a circle.
