How to come last in fantasy football
Disclaimer: Any reliance you place on the information below is strictly at your own risk. Economic (and emotional) losses suffered while managing your fantasy football team are therefore yours to bear.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not good at fantasy football (some would even say I’m a terrible fantasy football manager). As much as I’d like to blame my lack of success on bad luck, I’ve come to realize that I am really good at one thing—consistently planting myself in the bottom half of the league.
There’s an old saying that goes, “It’s harder to come last than first” (attributed to some U of T Law student named Jeremy Jingwei). So, this month, we will explore four easy ways to do the hardest thing in sports: come last in your fantasy football league.
Author’s Note: I realize we quickly pivoted from fantasy hockey to fantasy football. Don’t you worry: our regular fantasy hockey programming will be back in the next issue.
1) Draft based on your favourite (terrible) NFL team
Does your favourite NFL team have a quarterback that should be playing in the CFL, receivers that can’t catch a football, a running back averaging three yards per carry, and a defense that couldn’t stop a nosebleed? Draft them all. Does your favourite team’s division rival have great players? Don’t draft them on principle—it shows a lack of loyalty.
Who I ended up with: Kenny Pickett (PIT), Jaylen Warren (PIT), Najee Harris (PIT), Diontae Johnson (PIT)
2) Start inactive players
Many fantasy football pundits swear by the age-old principle: “Start your studs.” I agree. Star player is on bye week? Start him. It’ll intimidate your opponent. Star player on IR? Start him. At least they won’t put up negative points when they’re inactive, right?
3) Drop players one week before they blow up
Are your drafted stars off to a slow start? Is there a washed-up veteran RB on the waiver wire? Want to pick up a second kicker? Sounds like a match made in waiver-wire heaven.
Who I dropped: Dalton Schultz (HOU), Zach Charbonnet (SEA)
4) Overreact
Perhaps the most important step in finding yourself at the bottom of the barrel is to overreact to any and all things. Filter your waiver wire by who scored the most points in the previous week, and make your selections accordingly.
Who I added: Luke Musgrave (GB), Jaleel McLaughlin (DEN), Hunter Henry (NE), Kendrick Bourne (NE)
Author’s Note: If your fantasy football league has a cruel and unusual punishment for coming last place like mine (I’ll be spending 24 hours at Denny’s following the conclusion of this season), please forget this article for your own sake.
