Totally real news from an anxious and buggy Faculty of Law
SNAILS Infestation is out—BEDBUGS are in
Good news! There have been no recent reports of SNAILS infestation in the Jackman Building. The bad news? The bedbug infestation has begun. In the absence of their natural predator, the SNAIL, bedbugs (or at least just the one (1) bedbug) have begun swarming Jackman, beginning with the most sacred site: Bora Laskin Law Library. The library was shut down for 24 hours last week to eliminate these pesky little invaders from a main-level study room. Doctor’s orders: no more studying in the study rooms!
Bay Street firm deeply offended at being put in a 10am in-firm slot
Everyone knows that you must schedule your in-firm lover for the 8am time slot on the Monday morning to get your best chance of getting that “I do” at Wednesday 5pm. Rumour has it that one slighted firm, in a jealous rage at being slotted at 10am, immediately stopped all the phone lines and wallowed for 10 minutes before resuming calling the chosen candidates. I wouldn’t be surprised if they got an “I don’t” on Wednesday night…yikes!
The real key to success in law recruits? Your fists
The recruit stats are in, and no, it’s not the stats you’re thinking of! The UV statisticians have analyzed the data, and recruit success has been the most highly correlated to—you guessed it—success as a hardcore streetfighter! 1Ls and 2Ls have been seen in the atrium practicing their best quick-jabs and kicks as they prepare for the new and improved OCI format: a boxing ring. One firm has leaked that a partner may literally beat you up if you don’t drop 10 first choice language words in your opening sentence. Welcome to the big leagues, kid.
Inaugural law students olympics set to begin
As students start gearing up for final exams, a different sort of competition is gearing up within the law school: the Olympic Competition of Impressing the School. Finally, the SLS has come up with an opportunity to let those keeners who pose 20+ hypotheticals in each class to really shine! The upcoming olympiad is expected to include a ‘longest outline’ competition (rumours suggest that one student’s outline is literally just the textbook), a statue carving contest of professors (we are unsure how this will help with anything), and a cheese pizza eating contest (to prepare yourself to shock and awe at literally any law school event). And the best part? The winner of this olympiad will get two whole semesters of a Bevi subscription!
Halloween Party turns out to be actually a party
Contrary to the opinion of UV published in the October issue, the SLS Halloween Party turned out to be actually… a party?! Unfortunately, due to the tremendous clout that Intra Vires carries, one student who took our October advice on networking at the Halloween Party was sorely disappointed to find that it was literally a party, and not a networking event. Sources claim that this student had allegedly brought 50 copies of his resume to the party, and almost won the costume contest for being a convincing “desperate job-seeker.” UV is currently being sued for emotional damage and loss of employment. Does anyone know a good lawyer?
Logic Games funeral held in Falconer
Bereaved students gathered in the atrium earlier this month upon learning of the passing of our most beloved section on the LSAT: the Logic Games. One grieving STEM student commented that this was their “saving-grace” on an exam otherwise inundated with essays about historical fiction and stories of avant-garde art exhibits. “This was the only section that I even understood,” one student commented, in between bouts of crying. “What will the STEM children do now??” Needless to say, although students are glad that the exam will now be 30 minutes shorter, this section will be sorely missed.
