Totally real news from a totally optimally happy law school!
Cognomos lives up to U of T Law’s commitment to EDI by equally disappointing all
Cognomos cracks the code by realizing that everyone is equally happy if no one is! This year, select students were also pleasantly surprised by the delight of being locked out of Cognomos ahead of the viewing period. Cognomos claimed that such optimal happiness was achieved that schedules had to be held back to ensure students’ mental preparation. Rest assured, Cognomos is honoured to uphold U of T Law’s EDI legacy and pledges to continue this commitment.
Breaking News! Class of ‘27 already behind!
The competition for each class to out-gun the previous year has reached abysmal lows. The incoming 1Ls reportedly only began coffee chatting about the recruit (1L, 2L, and New York) this summer! How could they possibly prepare themselves with only 12 short months? Do they still have any chance at all? Who’s going to break it to them that they should have started three years ago?
Treason: Yet another cohort desperate to escape!
Another batch of 2Ls commit the ultimate betrayal: ditching the true north for ‘the land of the free.’ Desperate to escape affordable healthcare and Toronto construction, these treacherous students are flocking south, lured by promises of ‘bigger opportunities.’ The desperation has reached new frontiers, with one 2L reportedly fleeing all the way to the Golden State. The mass exodus has left Toronto firms wondering—is it you, or is it me?
J’s Java vs. Terima: Unfair Competition?
Terima holds a monopoly over the desperate law school market, but an old player has resurfaced threatening their stronghold. Endorsed by the Dean, the prodigal son, J’s Java has returned. Threatened by its popularity, Terima has started proceedings alleging J’s Java of dumping goods in a foreign market and selling goods below market cost to drive its competitors out of business.
Certainties in Life: Death, Taxes, & Construction at Museum
In an effort to make Museum station more accessible, it will be inaccessible for yet another year. Law students rejoice at the opportunity to take extended strolls through Queen’s Park and perfect their jaywalking skills, courtesy of ill-timed crosswalks.
To sweater or not to sweater?Deciding whether to brave the unpredictably strong AC or risk melting in the global warming heat? Just give up. You will always be too cold and too hot. There is no winning.