From Rooftop Revelations to Roommate Rants: The Jury’s Declassified Law School Survival Guide
In this edition, your jurors discuss making friends, enemies, and staying humble in spite of it all.
An old king sits in an empty throne room, his gaze fixed on a wrought iron door. His guards had long since departed—indeed, it had been millennia since a soul had darkened the threshold. And yet, the decaying monarch’s solemn watch remained unbroken. What kept him there? Perhaps an oath, older than the throne itself, or a love he could not forget. Only the king could say.
Suddenly, the silence is broken by light footsteps. The door swings open to reveal a small (recently orphaned) boy carrying a scroll. Timidly, he places the scroll into the king’s withered hands, almost as fragile as the parchment itself. With a sigh as ancient as the palace around them, the king unfurls the scroll to reveal the long awaited three words: “We’re. So. Back.”
“Bang, gavel, bang* Can we lore-drop on the new 1Ls for a second? We are Jury in a Hurry, a confidential advice column for the ever-suffering law student. We would explain more, but we’ve wasted a lot of our single-page allotment on the vital information above. So, let’s get into it. We’ve read, we’ve bled, but most importantly, we’ve come to a decision. Everybody’s guilty of something, and it’s time to find out what that is.
Dear Jurors,
I want to scream from the Jackman rooftop that I landed my dream articling position in the recruit, but no one’s asking. I hate to be That Guy(TM) who shares unsolicited good news, but it’s becoming physically hard to restrain myself. I’m just so excited! A friend told me it’s similar to boasting about OCI results, but I disagree. Is it okay to *sometimes* mention it unprompted, or will I annoy people?
Sincerely,
Fulfilled to a Fault
Dear Fulfilled,
Let us start by saying we are so proud of you; law school is tough and it’s important to celebrate your victories. That being said, your friend might have a point. We totally get the joy of landing your dream job: it’s a big deal! But the key here is the word “unprompted.” Many people have no desire to talk about the recruit, especially with someone as over the moon as you.
There are a few reasons why. First, they might not have landed their number one choice, and may not interpret your joy so favourably. Second, by the time you get past the articling recruit, the topic of law student jobs is a tired one. The case law has been settled, and the court does not wish to rehash this issue ad nauseum. Ultimately, it’s about being aware of those around you and what they might be going through. It’s a selfless act to not talk about your accomplishments; and if you fail to do so, you may end up with only the bust of Bora Laskin left to listen. We recommend leaving most of the job talk to the CDO.
We find you guilty of being a winner, baby. We sentence you to making a time-appropriate announcement on LinkedIn.
Dear Jurors,
Last night I made the mistake of getting into a legal argument with my non-law student roommate. What started as a sort of silly political disagreement turned into me citing all of the cases I have been learning about in school, and my roommate getting really annoyed at me and telling me I have a superiority complex only a few weeks into law school!
How can I balance my newfound passion for legal argument with not coming across as a know-it-all to the non-law students in my life?
Regards,
Arguing at the Abode
Dear Arguing,
Have you met our friend Fulfilled? We really think you two would hit it off.
But seriously, we’re so glad you are learning a lot in your first couple of weeks. Without naming names, a few of our jurors have spent over two years in law school and still can’t recite the Oakes test without the help of Google.
While it’s an exciting time—and you should be passionate about what you’re doing—it’s important to find better outlets for expressing your new-found knowledge. Not every conversation needs to be citable on CanLII.
Realistically, you’ve only finished a couple weeks of law school, and there’s a reason it’s a three-year program. Pace yourself, Mr. Spectre. There’s lots of law left to learn.
We find you guilty of getting legal without a licence. We sentence you to buying your roommate a coffee and asking them about their life.
Dear Jurors,
How do you make more than surface level friends at the law school if you didn’t during orientation? It feels like everyone else has already grouped up and I’m worried I missed out on a critical bond-building period.
Sincerely,
Future Friend Finder
Dear Future,
Do you want to hang out tonight? I know this is anonymous but send an email to the Ultra Vires editors—they’ll know what to do.
The start of law school can be tough, and it can seem like everyone is clicking without you. But we’re here to assure you that a lot can change post-orientation.
The foreman polled our jurors, and they offered some varying (possibly, ill-advised) perspectives on the matter:
- Sabotage a different group and be there a shoulder to cry on
- Become deeply infatuated with a fellow law student only to realize that their friend group was your real love all along
- Just go to events like Call to the Bar, student club events, or intramurals
While the foreman was hesitant to endorse the first two bullets, the third is sound advice. The more people you meet, the more likely it is you will find a friend group that works for you.
We find you guilty of playing hard to get. We sentence you to get got.
Dear Jurors,
I’m a bit sad to be back at school after an amazing few months at my summer job. It was a lot of work, but I ended up really bonding with my student cohort. That being said, something sort of weird happened yesterday—I was swiping through Hinge and I came across a profile that looked an awful lot like my co-worker’s boyfriend. I don’t want to keep this from her, but I’m worried about the possibility that she’ll shoot the messenger. Even though his behaviour is so obviously not okay, I really, really don’t want to make things weird at work. Please help!!!
Sincerely,
Covert Co-worker
Dear Covert,
Ouch, we just burnt ourselves on that piping hot cuppa tea (yes, collectively). The jury is hung on this issue because there is no clear path before you. In lieu of doing the actual work of thinking this through, we have made the following chart that will probably not help you decide:
We gave those last three jurors a talking to, don’t worry. Probably don’t do anything evil.
Ultimately, none of this is your fault and only you can really know how to proceed. If this is a close, personal friend, the jury would recommend letting them know.
In a turn of events, we find you innocent. We find ourselves guilty of giving questionable advice. We sentence ourselves to a long look in the mirror (especially you, Jurors 2 and 9).
And with that, we’ve cleared the docket. Tune in next month for more deliberations and debacles.
